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Drowningintears 
11:47pm Sunday
Because of BPD I have noticed I have been sabotaging my interpersonal relationships. My husband of three years have left me yesterday because he is so fed up with me and my "games". He has told me so many times to get help and take meds but I always have an excuse to why I don't get treatment. I have so many issues I need help with I just believe it's SO hard to get help for it all. I feel so hurt and abandoned. I don't have support in any area in my life. No one understands. I always do things that make them want to leave me so I can turn the tables onto them and say, "see?? You don't love me... you left me". Half of me want to be alone so I won't get hurt but another half of me wants someone so I can feel loved. I feel so empty regardless if I'm alone or not. Does sabotaging a relationship mean you wanted out or is it testing them to see how far they will go? Maybe both. If you see my profile you would see I have jealousy issues. Bad jealousy issues... to the point of accusing my husband day in and day out of liking someone else even if it's someone on tv. I have constant thoughts of paranoia about him even thinking another girl is pretty. I can't seem to filter my thoughts. I can't believe that someone can look at someone else and not want to be with them but still think they are pretty. That black and white thinking is so complicated for others to comprehend. Tonight my husband came back to give me the keys. I ranted and yelled at him saying I'm going to kill myself. He says he still cares about me but can't be with me right now unless I get help. I don't believe him. I think he hates me. He did love me two days ago... what the fuck happened? I didn't go to my appointment yesterday because I feared he would look at porn while I was away for an hour. Three years of not improving. He is done! Sorry for all this but I had to get it all out. Any words would be great. Thanks for reading
Comments
Hey you,
So as you know my bf did the same thing. But he came back, and yours will too. BUT you need to get serious about getting help. You said you can't understand how he can look at a woman and not want to be with her. Do you ever look at men? Even just to glance? You don't want to be with them, right? We have to try and put ourselves in their shoes. I know what your going through, beleive me I do, but you have to get to a point in your life where you are desperate for help and will do anything for it. My point of no return was when he left me...I knew I didn't want to lose him, so now I fight everyday to be "normal" and most days I'm optimistic that I will be normal long term. SOmetimes I feel like I never will be. But you have us here, and you have to reach out to someone in your area. You need to get help for YOURSELF and than everything else will fall into place. I want to see you happy :)
lk1980