rambler's Journal

Oct 18, RECLAIMING LOST SELF,One year ago I reliezed something was missing and that some thing was me.I understand what took me away ,It was twenty years of struggling to survive ,I knew that in those twenty years although I may have gained and added many expereinces insights and lessons learned to my life .I some how lost little pieces of myself my identity ,in doing it.

The me Ill be refering to is the one that exsisted in 1975.My last year in highschool.Although not succsessfull in school .I excelled in Art.I was popular and sought after .People came to me for counsol My advice was often sought out by others,people claimed they felt better just being around me.And through all this I remained shy and elusive.i carred a sense of connetion to the world around me that I didnt even fully understand .My life was finacially secure.any where I appled for work I was quickly hired.

three years later the birth of a child and a nasty domestic violence based  divorce shattered my peacefull little world.The father of my child was emotionally and physically violent.i sunk inside very very deep I was the equivilant of a zombie ,i was a walking dead.

after the divorce he pursued and harrassed and denied child support,this went on for years and my tierd little head only wanted one thing.Him to say he was sorry and that he loved me.He never did.

I got strong and supported my own child yet we were always on the run ,for twenty years we traveled the USA.every new town every new job.I changed my colors like a camelionen i changed my life so many times my head was spining I lived in 8 states in twenty years.Partly to avoid the ex.partly because I was following my family ,we needed to stay together as a unit to survive.when the wagons pulled out I was packed.

when the dust settled 26 years later we were back in our home town .peace had been made between me and the ex  but reconciliation although tryed several times failed.

I opted for the convent.they said Nuns are hard to get these days well consider taking you.I hitched my wagon (now alone,child grown up , parents dead siblings parted) And headed north in a quest for my Identity.

Things went slow I stubbled I fell I reliezed i hadnt gained from ever state I had been in but lost lost and left a little piece of me in every one.

I was no longer the totally centered person who people sought for counsol.I was in need of console constently I misrusted myself I didnt feel like myself I didnt even know what to do ALL i felt was a profound emptyness.At first I was sure it was a sighn to join the convent.

great guilt over took be because I was starting to make friends and fit in in my new surroundings.I wanted to ride my motorcycle and socialize .the convent starting to seem like the wrong direction . God in his still small voice spoke to my heart and told me to stay out of the convent ,he told me Id reach more and save more souls here fighting on the front lines of life then Id ever reach behind some convent door.some thing happened in the life of my church i will not disclose here but it pointed to me becoming a pyhynix rising from the the ashes ,It spoke of reserrection.

I tryed harder and harder to be the old me ,to no avail the more i tryed the more I sunk.

then I tryed a type of regression meditation where you relieve your life over and over I did this yeah, I did this over and over for months .examiniing and reexamining my life .this is why I say reclaiming self takes time ,because I did this for at least a year before the results emerged.

I delt with small inprovements and no inprovements .i talked to people who told me it couldnt be done ,they told me the best thing I could do for myself was just accept and work with the me I had become and then they told me that infact that was a good thing to change and grow,they told me that when parts of me die they died to make room for new parts.

I tryed it

i tryed to be a new me and live the new parts,I tryed new things ,for a while i found them mind expanding and even today think they might have been the catilist that brought the old me back to life .i think the new search into the new me ,In essance restored the old me . 

because heres what happened .I found the new me although at times was comfortable ,It never stayed comforable and slowly the old beliefs and pass times began to kinda show up in my life .I didnt push myself to hard to attain them because slow progress was better than no progress,but even slow progress brought back to like the old familiar feeling ,feelings that began to grow bigger and more promenat untill I could summon that feeling that "me ness" at will .I am me again .but it is a long slow process that cant be pushed. Its good to be me again Im glad I never listened to people who say it can t be done Im glad I never accepted the words of people who say it cant be done.