bookmaven's Journal

i met with my therapist again today. and it was a good session. we talked about setting reasonable goals, but also about breaking those goals into sub-categories so i wouldn't feel so overwhelmed.

when i showed her my list from yesterday she looked at "start clearning the clutter from my room" and said what does that mean? one bag of trash? two? dusting my dresser or organisng the pile of laundry that's been sitting waiting to be folded an put away? the more each task is divided the more likely i am to accomplish things and to feel accomplished and not orient on what i didn't do but how much i have done.

she's very big on celebrating victories. she also commented on how much better i seem to be doing today as compared to monday-calmer, more able to articulate myself. i told her it was the meds, that i'd  taken a double dose of my anxiety meds last night both to help me sleep and to calm my racing thoughts.

i did a bad thing though and took my next dose this morning with the rest of my medications and i was super lethargic all day. mostly i spent it sleeping though i did get a couple of conversations in and started replying to my emails as i listed as my goal last night. that made me feel better.

as mary says, we take it one day at a time and that's all anyone can ask us to do.

i still haven't emailed my professors, i've been seriously avoiding that. my therapist asked what was the worst that could happen. i said they could be disappointed in me and not want to work with me next semester. and the best scenario would be that they'd be accepting. we talked a bit about how i've been conditioned/conditioned myself to look for outside validation and place too much importance on how others may perceive my actions and motivations. it's something to work on, and we'll be going through a lot of self-affirmation to lessen the hold of that conditioning on me.

all in all i think it was a very good session and i'm a little proud of myself for getting through it. my therapist is thorough and tough. she won't let me shy away from the things that make me anxious or fixate on my perceived failures. i'm doing better...going back to the dancing idea. i'm learning new steps and not being overwhelmed by so much of the debris of shifting ground. i have a lot to do still and a long ways to go, but day by day i'm feeling better and more hopeful that i haven't completely side-tracked my life.

that's something worth celebrating too.