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lookin4me 
I don’t know what these journals are but people are asking to know more, so here. Met my husband in high school, but didn’t date until we graduated. We moved fast in the beginning. I moved to out of state to be with him after only three months of dating. Waited 6 years to get married.
Had 4 kids in five years, lost two of them in 16 months, while going bankrupt and moving. Lost my 3 year old son Patrick (PJ – love of my life), who got sick and died of an undiagnosed immunity disorder in 26 days, sixteen months after my second born (a girl - Meghan) died, who only lived 16 hours. My son passed while I was 6 months pregnant with our third; she was born 13 weeks after his death. The deaths were not related to each other; no autopsy on Meghan so to this day I don’t why (disorder only kills boys; girls are carriers). Counselor said that was the beginning of the end.
Throughout we never had good communication, which fostered resentment that led to disrespect. It was me fighting for compromise and him rebelling and finding comfort in friends and never me. We didn’t eat dinners together, had no hobbies or similar interest. We didn’t take a vacation in 10 years. He had this plan of having fun that never included me. I even had to schedule with him to be with the kids so I could go places. There was consistent bickering and no synchronization in our desires or styles. He was pretty verbally mean, drank too much and was (not selfish) self focused.
I know all the things I did wrong. I was young, gave up myself for the relationship, focused too much on chores and stresses, and perfecting our connection until I too wedged in hurt and pain.
We began just existing in the same house with no connection where the emotional or physical relationship barely existed. He’s passive aggressive and used to threaten with divorce for years to “straighten me out”. Then things happened as they do (not ready to talk too much about it yet) and we tried counseling, but it was a half a…. attempt (for both of us) and failure was inevitable it was just how long we wanted to endure and deny.
I have had such remorse and loss, and tried to make things right (I’m a rectifier, always the one to fix the problem mine or not). I miss being a family, but we were never what I had hopped so… I don’t know. He is hostile, bitter, and verbally abusive. I'm talking offering solutions, making suggestions, wanting to make things better and suggested more therapy, but I get no responses. So I think if he’s not saying or doing anything then he doesn’t want it.
We both know and have expressed that we don’t want to go back to where we were but he’s not telling me where he wants to be or how he plans to get there. So, now we are here unable to go back, can’t move forward, just stuck in this pattern of pain and blame. Sometimes I look forward to a better partnership someday while others days I miss being a family. Anyway there is only forward, right? So I going to church and counseling and am working to better me and my soul and praying someday it will all be right.
Comments
So very sorry to read of the loss of your son and daughter -- just can't imagine that. You have been through a very emotional period with your ex and there are no words of wisdom, just understanding. Oh yes, being stuck is a temporary snag.. we all move forward, eventually....
meddle
Sounds like you've been to hell and back. Our stories are similar. I met my stbx when I was 19. We were together for 17 years. Our relationship was full of drama and mind games. He was very emotionally abusive. Then my mom became sick with cancer and I woke up and decided to stop being a doormat! Now I am with a wonderful man who treats me like a princess. Life's too short to be miserable~Take Care,Katie
asadheart
I agree with asadheart - keep moving forward; you are taking the right steps. It sounds like your relationship is over and now is the time to take care of you.
Lynne
lycesq
Sounds so much like what I went through. Me offering suggestions, talking about what was going on and getting no response - not even knwoing what he really wanted. Refused to go the counseling. I decided actions speak louder than words and no matter what I wanted for "us", there was no "us" anymore. There was just me and I had to save me.
syaujye
Wow girl, you have been through a lot and it sounds like you were mostly alone. It will get better with time. We are here for you.
janeee
Yes this sounds so familiar. I am so sorry to hear about losing your two children. I couldn't imagine. I was with my one of these days ex (it was 3 yrs on Oct. 23rd since I filed) for a total of 19 1/2 yrs. (8 1/2 yrs of dating, and another 11 yrs of marriage). He was/is so verbally & emotionally abusive. It became physical once. Our then 6 1/2 yr old daughter made me realize life is to short to live this way, and my ex was not willing to admit he was also at fault. I asked for marriage counseling with only refusuals from him. After I was in my own therapy (and had my daughter in her own) for acouple years, and discovered that he had some major issues to work on himself before we could even try to come together in marriage counseling. I knew the marriage was over. I have been through more with him dragging this all through court for the past 3 yrs (and we aren't any further then day one), but I have a now almost 10 yr old daughter to fight for. I'm not about to let him treat her like he did me for the rest of her life. I'm sorry to hear that you have/are going through so much also, but I truely believe we are in the right place. I haven't wrote in alot, but from reading all the comments/responses I think all of the group is caring, and very understanding. Thanks for sharing your story it really helped me know there are others out there that understand.
AshlynsMomma