ButterflyCNAStudent's Journal

     Somebody help me please.  I feel so lost. So alone, depressed and as of late even a little suicidal.  I just want to be happy.  Is there really so much wrong with that.  I dont understand.  See I have this friend, her name is Larissa.  Well we used to be a couple.  One thing lead to another and we faded apart.  Well reciently I started talking to and seeing her agian.  She just wants to be friends and I would rather be her friend than not have her at all.  But the problem is that I still love her.  I sortof want to be with her, but she doesnt want to be with me.  I thought I would be ok with that.  In all honesty I think that I want to be with her only because I am terified that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life.  I dont want to be alone for the rest of my life.  I feel so alone even when I am surrounded by the few friends that I have.  I want to be happy.  I know know that I dont want to spend the rest of my life with Larissa.  The problem is that I still love her.  I dont want to let her go because I dont want to be alone.  The problem there is that she is fifteen years older than me.  I reciently got her enrolled in school with me.  I didnt expect that she would meet a girl that is only a year older than her.  This girl's name is Tara.  Well Tara has a crush on her and after knowing Tara for only a week Larissa has let her spend the night three times already.  I am so jealous. Then if that was not enough I had my bank give me a statement and I am $116.58 overdrawn.  My mom wants me to work for her in order to clear my debt but i hate working for her.  I dont like this araingment I dont know what to do.  I am so lost.  I feel absolutely stuck. I dont know what I can possibly do.  I dont get paid agian until the first.  Someone please help me.  Anyone please help me.