debbiecinkan's Journal

Well, I hit rock bottom today, I'm so depressed that I think my eyes will never stop stinging from the tears I've cried all night. I'm 40 weeks pregnant and I'm so tired of being pregnant for one, and two, I'm tired of dealing with all this BS from everyone, including my husband. He seems so out of tune with my pregnancy, and it's killing me.

Tonight, he left me to go hang out with his dad and another friend and watch the football game, and left me here at home,  and I asked him to stay, and he said, "no, I made up my mind, I'm going." It stung like a dagger. Sometimes I wonder why I'm even in this situation. It's his baby too, and sometimes he's so selfish and only cares about how HE feels, and yet, I never get out, and he leaves me hanging at home. 

I feel like I failed myself, I feel like such a failure. I cry and cry and cry, and I miss my life. I'm only 20 years old, and now my life is put on hold because of being pregnant. It's not my little girl's fault, and I feel like such a horrible, terrible person for saying that, and that makes me more depressed. I feel so guilty for feeling so depressed. I feel like I'm alone in this. His family is useless and I actually find myself hating them for all the crap they have put us through. I find myself resenting my husband for not being in tune with this pregnancy. He gets so frustrated with me when I start crying. He doesn't know how to handle it, and his answer for it is to get angry with me. 

I had so much going for me, I am a semester away from my bachelor's degree in Secondary Education and English, and now that's put off till next year. I can't work cause I don't have my own car, we share a car and he has it most of the time. I am basically stuck here in the house all day every day, and I hate it. I resent him for that.  I'm left all alone all day, every day while he's at work. I never get out, and now I'm going to be tied down permantely it seems. When I go back to school next fall, I have to bus, AND take my daughter with me. I can't work cause I have no way to get her to daycare every day, and I've examined the situation from all angles, and there is no way that will happen.

God, I just feel so horrible, I seem to have lost control of my life, and failed myself. I'm bipolar and have tried to get a psychiatrist for months, and they never answer their phone or call me back. That's the only one in a 15 mile radius. I'm going to talk to my OB on weds, unless I have my baby by then, cause it's at the point that I don't want to get out of bed anymore, and I have this knot in my stomach and feel like I'm going to throw up. 

I hate this, I hate being depressed, and then I hate myself for being depressed, cause I MUST be strong for my little girl, cause it's not her fault. 

I don't know what to do anymore. 

Debbie