Join Now
madre1 
1:59pm
Why do I have to think about that day everyday? It seems like there is not one day that goes by that at some point I dont have the images or memories of that horrible day that my husband was found come into my head. It is so painful to go there, but yet I cant stay away. I just think of all the pain and turmoil that he must have been going through and how sad he must have really been in those last moments to do such a thing. Just the look on the the officers face when he came out of the house that day after discovering my husband, will be forever imprinted in my mind. He didnt even have to tell me, I knew. I didnt even react right away. It was as though I had no emotion. Once it did register, I couldnt breathe or stand. I have never seen so many police at one time. They just kept showing up, detectives, coroner, police, crime lab.... and really did they have to use crime scene tape? I see it now and it gives me chills! This is what is supposed to be on tv, not real life. I just dont want these vivid, painful memories anymore.
Comments
I am hoping that the memories slowly fade away for you and you begin the journey to a wonderful life. Kip.
KipB
Madre - May you and your entire family feel the peace of our Lord's arms around you as you crawl through this impossibly difficult time. I wish I could think of something to say that would lessen your pain and grief....but I dpn't think that is possible. Hugs from OKC!! Cindi
EagleMom
I'm sorry you have to relive that horrible experience everyday. It has been nearly 11 months since Shawn completed suicide. I still think about the days leading up to his death and the argument over his drug use everyday, but it does not consume every second, minute and hour as it use to. I am very grateful for that. What helps me is to be aware of all the blessings I do have and try to comfort others who are struggling. This takes the focus off of my loss and sorrow and it allows me to breathe(it was so hard and painful just to breathe in the beginning) and have faith that it will get better. There are days when bad thoughts try to take over, but I pray and know it will pass. I am praying that you find some peace away from those awful thoughts. Hugs, Debbie
1wngsfn
Amen, sister! I get caught up in the same thoughts. I really hate it when I get to thinking about those few moments just before my husband killed himself. What was he thinking, was he crying, etc. I too remember when I was first told about it. I didn't know how to react and seemed to have no reaction...I was so stunned. I remember thinking that I'm not reacting right, but I know it was just shock. That entire afternoon I just wanted to keep it together because I had a 3 year-old at daycare I had to think about...and no family here. It's all so surreal.
I wish we lived closer since misery loves company...ha ha. Always thinking about you and hoping you're doing okay.
Alison
Alison868
When we go through a horrible act such as these the memories are hard to loose. I have been told the answers lie in thinking of the future and not as much on the past. But yet when those thoughts come back they must be dealt with. I know time helps and just moving forward one day at a time. Thinking of you...hugs Jennifer
Jleemurpa
Madre - what sad and truly terrible memories you have to deal with. I have had a friend commit suicide, but to have your spouse do it would be disturbing in the extreme. Jennifer's advice to focus on the future is good. May the Lord of Peace give you strength to move into a more peaceful place. Love and prayers, John
JPFlynn
I am so sorry. Unfortunately, that day will stay with you forever but I promise it gets better. It takes time. I too thought this only happened in the movies and it is so unfair what they did to us. My advice to you is to cherish what you have ... your beautiful children and the simple blessings life gives us every day. I know it hurts. Allow yourself to grieve. You have to in order to move on, but it takes time.
Sending many, many prayers and hugs.
sky123456
It's over for him...whatever his internal struggles may have been, they are over.
Beyond a certain point, It was totally his decision in how he dealt with things.
Try to see your husband as the individual he was...and not in the office of husband, father, and so on.
He was somebody's child, too...
Tigerpaws
thanks tiger paws. I sound so resentful, I know. I do see him as someones child. He also hurt his family very much as well. I do love him for the man he always tried to be and wanted to be, but never was. His world was just so much bigger than him and he cound not deal with it. He made so much out of himself and for that I was always proud. He was also a great provider and was always thinking of how he could financially better us. There are many positives, just sadly, it is the horrible memories that always seem to be the most prevalent. I am sure with time those will fade.
madre1