Journal

Im feeling better today. It just comes and goes. I think a lot of yesterday's negativity had to do with feeling lonely. It's just tough to feel a lone in the thoughts that no one understands. I guess it's most important for me to understand them.

today i decided to join an online support community. im not 100% sure it is for me, but what the hell, might as well see what it's all about. today I am feeling emotionally conflicted as usual. i started my morning excited about my anticipated sunday routine (that I try hard to follow) of drinking coffee, reading the paper, eating half of a whole wheat bagel with the insides taken out, and watching the news shows. While watching the news shows I expressed strong opinions that my father just sighed and rolled his eyes at. he thinks im pretentious. its almost as if he thinks "who does she think she is with all of this to say." his energy stifles me. everyone in this house feeds on my weaknesses, my pain. sometimes i think they like when i get upset because they know i will spend the rest of the day in my bedroom not eating or talking to anyone. their laughter seems more apparant, and their voices more joyus and louder on these days. it makes me sick. people, even family, enjoy others miseries. even at the moment i know this is partially my BPD talking but deep down inside they are my true thoughts, true painful thoughts. i have to get out of here, i will never get out of this place, this time, this negative energy. my life will never be the same. i will never fulfill my pursuits, dreams, or intended lifestyle. i will have the black picket fence.