i just had wrote a hole page but …
i just had wrote a hole page but my lovley 18 month old somehow unplugged me in the middle of it....will write later....
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IDidThisToMyself 
7:35am, March 2, 2009
i have really given up.
i tried to fight it as much as i could.
now im really too exhausted to fight anymore.
to fight my depression, my anxiety, coping with the loss of my son, my recent pregnancy, whatever else it is thats keeping me from being 'normal'.
i dont have the will to get out of bed anymore, and i dont. i did for awhile, and its done nothing. everything that used to be fun to me isnt. anything that gave me some interest to get up, doesnt.
this life is not for me.
so i give up.
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Are you seeing a doctor for your depression? If not, please do. It sounds like you may need to be admitted into a hospital. I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. Please get help. You are worth it. I am sure there are many people out there who love and need you to get better. I am here for you!
tmicdownton
I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I know that it is hard, but just don't give up. I know that this is going to be the hardest fight in your life, but it is worth it. I don't know if you are taking meds or not, but if you aren't I think that you should definitely see a dr about it. I am taking meds and they are definitely helping me.No one wants to live in this hell of a life that we are given without having some kind of help. Know that I am here for you and I care for you so much. You have helped me when I needed you and now I will be here for you. HUGS to you...
tasiaR
Hi... I don't really know you, but I saw your profile. I too am dealing with the death of my child. Still don't understand how one could go 40 weeks full term... perfectly healthy and great pregnancy...and now no baby to show for it. My loss happened 9/16/08.. 2008 will be the year that changed my life. But through all the pain and grief I came to a realization... I have choices. I can choose to Live in honor of my child or I can choose to Die in honor of my child. I felt like my life was me walking on a tight rope.. leaning in either direction depending on the day. I could either lean towards happiness and the great life of family and friends.. or I could lean towards the dark side of depression, anger, suicide, etc etc. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. What we go through, the typical person (especially those closest to us) have no idea. So it's hard to really find someone to talk to that truly understands, my husband couldn't even understand the level of grief and pain that I was dealing with. I remember walking through stores like a Zombie...thinking that I look normal on the outside but no one has any idea the tragedy that I am dealing with. I would cry at night, just wanting one more moment with my son Justus. I felt guilty for any complaint that I ever had during my pregnancy... I tried to remember the kicks and the heart burn... I prayed that he would show up in my dreams... but despite the hurt.. the pain...the child I could never hold again or touch....I still owed it to my child to LIVE. I owed it to him to be the best Person, Mother, Wife and Friend that I could ever be. I owed it to him.... and though it still sucks some times... especially when I see other mothers with newborn babies.... but I have to LiVe... and so do you. I browsed through your pictures and I can tell that you were that girl that seemed to the Life of the Party... your smile is infectious.... You owe it to yourself and your child to come out of this. I personally don't do the medication thing.. I believe in getting down on my face and crying out to God because he's the only one who will love and not judge unconditionally. Despite what you're going through right now, I don't even know you, but I can see your inner beauty... I highly recommend some dialog with a support group and other women who know what you're going through. That way, some of the feelings that you think aren't normal can be validated as normal for a mother that is grieving the loss of a child. Please don't put your mom through the same hurt and pain that you're dealing with right now.... Choose to Live.... Love ya
nayamama
if there was ever something that i have been through, it is this exact feeling. nothing can be said to make you feel better. but... you still want words of support. life can really blow sometimes. it can blow so bad that yea, you want to think that there is no way up. but you have to release yourself from negativity. put your mind in positive light, and in order to do that you have to be completely conscious. be aware of what you are thinking. that doesn't mean be happy, it means to be in the know. it helps, but it takes a lot of patience. be well hun... i will keep trying to offer what i can
MissNicka