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IDidThisToMyself 
7:35am, March 2, 2009
i woke up about an hour ago and since then ive been bawling my eyes out.
i miss josh so much.
i miss my grandpa so much.
its been an extremely hard year.
i havent cried like this in awhile, and it did feel good, but also brought back really hurtful memories.
i wake up everyday knowing its going to be the same.
my anxiety controls me. i cannot say how bad i want to go to school and get a job, just be successful. its just not going to happen for me. im scared of what the future is going to bring for me.
i am FREAKING out right now.
im having a panic attack and i havent had any xanax for about 4days bc i ran out. im going through horrible withdrawals. now im stuck here with this anxiety and the only thing that really helps me i dont have.
i have it in the back of my mind to maybe just cut myself to feel better, but im fighting that.
ive had anxiety for years now, youd think id just get used to it or be able to deal with it. but everytime is like the first time (well at least close to it) and just as scary.
i want this to go away. i hate this so much and all i can do is sit here and let it happen.
will i ever get better? am i going to be like this for my whole life? please i hope not.
the withdrawals are so bad. i try to sleep as much as possible to avoid having to go through it. on monday i see my doctor. so until then i have to deal with having high anxiety. im getting these awful 'zaps' in my head. i looked this up before and it does happen so i know im not losing it. especially when im trying to fall asleep. right when im about to drift off...*zap* and it shocks me awake and its extremely annoying, not painful though. i constantely am shaking. all i can think about is xanax. it sucks.
my mom tried talking to me this morning when i was feeling crappy and i could not put a sentence together for anything. it kind of was confusing, in a way, to talk. im scared to see how the next 2 days are going to be still without it.
wow it seems like im typing so calmly when really im freaking out so bad.
i need to just pass out and have this go away.
Comments
its like i lost all my support.
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aww sweetie try and breathe big deep breathes, your stonger than this i know you can beat it. here for you hugs xoxo
xxxKATxxx
Wow. Hope you are ok. Xanax withdrawals are serious business. I thought you had quit xanax. The problem is that Xanax is meant to be a short-term fix for anxiety--what you are dealing with is definitely long-term. I'm not a doctor, but there are MUCH better meds out there to treat your condition that are designed for long-term. Ask about them. If your doctor is only offering you Xanax, it's seriously time to find a new doctor.
RobertG36