no1mcallister's Journal

Tommoroow

thank god,

about time i got steamin .haven't been in a while, i'm not sure why. 

BUT i'm meaning.. completely and utterly wasted. Then al pass out and have an amazing nights sleep.

i don't need drink, but i'm craving the drunk feeling, just want the confused feeling to go away, even if it's just for a little while, i'll feel reasured. The way i've been feeling the past few days i think i can usually find away around or a good way of explaining something with alcohol in my system in other words drunken theories. 

i know myself so well yet i don't know myself atall.

Quite weird. 

i've been triggererd for days, I feel URGH jssshneensyawdjdhsdmdisdnddywhslaadndn

I hate long periods of time feeling this!! 

theres something up with E, she looks sad been feeling pairinoid all week and abit the week before too.

I feel like i've done something wrong. She says i haven't I wish i could help or cheer her up, shes not usually like this. maybe she's just ill. I really hope she isn't getting sick of me- the ultimate fuck up. She's always there for me and i love her a million times more for that but it comes to the point where i push her away or get angry with her for no reason, at the time i can totally back myself then afterwards i feel so guilty. it's tiring. i don't wanna hurt people... all the time.

but in theory i don't, it's just the sort of state i get in. a state of mind? i really don't know. 

I feel like shes got so much opinons inside her or thoughts and theories about me and my actions but she can't express them the way she'd like too  plus shes know she might get her head bitten off if i'm in that mood. I don't blame her. But i do want the truths. I want to know what you think. I have to learn to control the racing thoughts i get the minute someone says anything about me. negetive or positive. I wanna be a person that can debate reasonably and accept other people's opinons sometimes no matter what they might be. Calm dude, thats what i'm supposed to do. So chill the fuck out eh?

easier said than done. 

 Haven't done my essay. bad times. i can't face history tonight!

so i'll go in tommorow and make something up i guess. 

migrane is quite bad..

i don't think it's due to the fact that i had several sachets of strawberry calpol earlier.

I don't see it as a drug and i don't see myself abusing it as such

it just tastes really really sweet and yummy.

yes i have a sweet tooth and felt the need to buy calpol.

you may call me silly but i'm past caring.. 

remember remember the fifth of November! 

The excitement of fireworks as a child was amazing. That part of me has died for sure. And if i make to Saturday night and i'm drunk, the magic might come back. who knows eh =P