no1mcallister's Journal

awh god, 

today was mega shit.

college got cancelled 

met my new therapist person 

he's

such

a

dork

what the fuck

i don't know what to make of it. I felt myself screaming inside while he asked me

so "how do you feel about that"

"tell me about yourself"

"that must be hard"

"what do you REALLY mean about that" 

aghhhhhh ffs stfu!

to top that is voice is husky and quiet and the room he chose seem to close in on me, gah i really need to suck it up huh. 

 but i was thinking to myself while he chatted...you expect me to come out with all this in your limit of 50minutes?

 i don't think ive ever felt so antagonized

maybe i have,

i was frustated cos my mind kept going blank, it was very awkward, i wanted to laugh shout and throw things at the same time.

maybe i was just in an irritated mood today following the conversation i had with emma.

no one has faith in me so how am i gonna have faith in myself eh?

also saw my sad life flash before me today, it was such a close thing to a head on crash, we were in shock when we relized we dodged it by doing a quick jerky turn. gah the first thing i actually signed to emma was "amazing..."

but my hands and my voice said two different things

i signed "nearly" but spoke "amazing"

lol, i wouldn't have minded dying like that, saves me the bother of doing it myself

i would hate others too suffer because of it though.

i think thats why emmas nervous of me learning to drive, she thinks its sort of a risk, i assure her it's not but my mind wonders to unthinkable places at the best of times so i don't know who i am and what i'm capable of.

i really want to cut myself write now to be forward. i drew blood last night like.. think it was anxiety about today. anyway,  it made me feel content for a whiley.

maybe i should go meet the dorky therapist again next wednesday.

lets see how long this last, if he gives up which is probable or it doesn't help in the slightest thats me done with the mental health service and i'll go it alone.

sounds mega scary but it might come to that.

also theres a new guy in the picture, not sure what to make of it.

hmmmm. better save him the hurt huh.

also also, been  hearing alot about the blog of the "girlwiththeonetrackmind" aka abby lee.

haha i went on the to read her blog, never relised how explicit her blog is tis a sex blog haha.

who wouldn't be curious i guess

then i just happen to click randomly on one about her getting raped.

how shit huh, :( 

To end, 

not sure where my heads at.  confuzzzzzled oot my nut once again.

To where I belong...