no1mcallister's Journal

I remember the chase. 

I remember how they ran after us with golf clubs and huge sticks, the huge adrenaline rush as we ran, I remember the slight realisation of what was happening and my heart racing as we were cornered, the whole park caved in on me and it seemed to go from mid afternoon to dusk very suddenly, it was no longer a place I felt safe. I remember how I stood there and watched as those guys beat my own flesh and blood, full on. I remember how I froze right in the centre of brutalisation. I remember that I didn't do anything to stop it, I remember that I could've risked myself saving my baby brother, but I didn't. I remember the horrible gut feeling and the overwhelming guilt, I remember the lump in my throat and how I tried to intervene which resulted in total humiliation. I remember all evil eyes on me when I blurted out unrecognisable words, I remember them laughing in my face, laughing at my 'deaf voice' and laughing at my clothes. I was the big sister yet totally unable to do anything, I was supposed to protect him. I remember his twin was the quick thinker. Help seemed a very long way though. I remember my mind was totally blank yet racing at the same time, I remember my first ever explicit suicidal thought at the young age of 10. I had no control of the situation and no voice, I remember how the surroundings became more and more distorted as it got darker and darker. I resemble slowly drifting away at the same time he became less and less responsive as the bruises and cuts built up. Time went on. I remember a greasy hand grabbing my bony wrist so tightly. I could remember just seeing flashes of colour and hearing snipits of conversation, I heard three words "you deserve it" and I remember simply not understanding. I remember hating myself for not taking control. It was a long time before help arrived but it felt like it had all happened in a few minutes. I remember running to the car, my legs were cramped, I climbing into the car as she scooped our battered baby. I remember how the door slammed and I seemed to wake up a bit, the daze was over and reality hit me. A rush of air arrived, like a baby taking air into it's lungs for the first time. I had a headache and I remember feeling my chest, my heart was beating 10 to the dozen. I remember the acidic tears running down my face as she desperately raced down the sombre streets to get help for our baby. I remember the relief when we found out he was okay, I remember my lack of understanding, I remember being confused. I was so so confused, I remember at one point thinking that it happened to everybody, that it was my punishment. I remember my mum trying to explain, words never made sense, their actions always spoke louder. I remember blue flashes and ear aching sirens of the police cars, it was chaotic. I remember the vengeance, lies and tension that lay within our house under the squeaky floorboards. I remember that when we got a new carpet, the smell was fresh and clear, I felt safe for a moment. I remember the next day my world crashing down again as a huge argument erupted, the unfamiliar, clean, fresh smell quickly faded, it was nowhere to be seen and our house sunk deep into darkness on the wrong side of the sunny street once again.

 Well I thought that we could sit around and, talk for hours, about things I couldn't say to you and things that we could never do and, this conversation has had no face. When the words take days you can re-write and erase anything