no1mcallister's Journal

god, it's like november now.

start of hell!? 

overtime i've come to hate this time of the year. all the stress and "memories" and other shitey stuff is a triple times worst.  especially my family seem to get together and have christmas dinner and i've gotta interact and be this person i don't recognise, it makes me feel worst cos it's so full on when it comes to family gatherings. it should be a good time, it really should. This year feels its gonna be all the more worst for some reason. I remember last year well, i remember how cold and isolated i felt. I couldn't laugh at their jokes or give a real smile to my cousins, i had to lie about how i was feeling. It's really pish..

new years even worst. I was so drugged up last year that i was numb.. good numb though. I think i panicked and  did everything in my power to block out my life that night, i don't know if i'll ever be able to cope on new years oor around the time. Well not sober anyway.  My memories are patchy but for some reason my body tells me thats the time. it's the time where I tense up, it's the time where i feel and overwhelming feeling that does not quite get there like someone climbing a ladder with no places to step on, above a blazing hot fire or the oopsite a cold dark death pit. 

I know, i'm being dramatic with my example but I'm not sure how else to explain it.

weekend was average. been paranoid all weekend. contasntly wanting to know what other people are thinking and apaprently imagining that theres something up with them and that its my fault, its been bugging me for days. I doesnt feel like i'm imagining it. 

whatever it is, its trying to push me to my limits, i'm not too happy about it and i'm very triggererd right now, i feel this time it's not going to pass i really wanna write or say explicit stuff now but it wouldn't be fair.

and ahem ..erm yes.. a moth just flew in my face. lovely

god what a shitey sunday huh 

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? idk helpssless.