no1mcallister's Journal

I did my last journal entry on the 22nd, and it's now the 27th. Feeeelllllllls like such a long time though. Moneys been tight, so the internet, tv and phone got cut off. It's lucky its its only been 5/6 days this time, feels forever ha ha. I had some Pretty crap nights and i missed DS as a way i could come write my journal or get advice from others or even just as a distraction... but hey I am still here and I don't think the last few days have been as bad as I expected they might be.

My dads on the doe, and had no job but it seems to be doing better things to him. He's a smart guy and he shows it when he's not busy working all the time. He reads so much and his perspectives on life are much more open. Another way of explaining it is that he gets bored and sits about reading, haha. It's better than working long hours as a bricklayer and then using any spare time he's got getting out of his face drunkkkkk. Saying this the weekends on his way, I'm sure he'll find some way of getting a few pints. Don't blame him but lets keeep this positive? He went and got his teefs looked at and he's away to get specs the morning,  hahah hows that for taking advantage of the British welfare system.

Welllllll thursdayyyyyyyyyy, I was with Scott. uhoh...... I told you i throw myself into situations even if there is a total HUGE risk.. just the mood I was in that day... but but but..

It was alright, ended up staying at his house though and lack of communication leads me into another insecure place, the thing is it's not as insecure as I thought it would be. (once again) used used used used/ all that seems to run through my head, my god paranoia is actually shit BUT Maybe i'm just possibly super relaxed tonight.. I have no idea. I like scott a lot and I always have but that night just seemed to close something for me, something that has been at me all year, I'll get back to you when I figure out completely..

Friday was spent fuelling my body with prescription drugs and some alcohol, hmm wasn't that exciting really. My family was out that night, I enjoyed the music then fell into bed. Saturday was the day I was supposed to meet my "suicidal" old friend and she phoned me up to say she had other planns at the last minute. The word 'USED, USED, USED' torments me once again, i managed to shut it up..I told my Mum, I didn't know whether to feel glad or sad about this. I know how depression goes, feel like its the end off the world for a while then suddenly things get a bit brighter. I'll still be there when she stumbles though, I guess that's I'm there for. I spent the time with my mum nan and brother instead, was decent i guess, staying in watching xfactor when i know i'm usually out getting steamin or anything otherwise kinda plays on your mind though. Thats the night i started feeling really ill though, I caught abit of a chest infaction for kt, it has been playing on me ever since and now i think even emma's caught it. Still i say to myself feel physically ill is better than feeling depressed or worthless any day. Maybe it's just the security of knowing what the problem is with your body as a pose to being confused with feelings etc. Sunday- I did zilch. meh. fuck all. haha I did have one hell of an epic dream, wasn't too pleasent but it's good that I don't remember much of it now huh. College is getting really intense now but am handling it.. so far. November:

weego 3 exams in one week, niceeeeeeeeee. Economics tommorow, should be cool.

oh aye,

i have ocd

apparently.