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Swithun 
6:41am, July 22, 2009
I haven't slept, I feel overwhelmed trying to decide what to do next and how much if anything I can get done today. The burning stomach that has been plaguing me all week is back. I need to get the cheek swab test done and in the mail to see if my bone marrow is a match for my sister, who I haven't actually seen in over 2 years now and still can't really face. I don't think I'm going to be able to drive to the fedex drop box once I swab my cheeks because I'm feeling too drowsy now.
I keep looking at the cat and it looks like he's having difficulty breathing and I hate myself because I don't have money to take him to the vet. I've been so stupid and its my fault he's suffering now.
I need a miracle but there aren't ever any miracles in my life.
I feel physically and mentally lousy. And alone. And trapped.
HOPELESS!
HOPELESS!
HOPELESS!
HOPELESS!
HOPELESS!
i can't believe I passed yet another birthday here with no sign of escape or rescue and it was so miserable and lackluster that I keep forgetting it happened. Just like Christmas. Thanksgiving. New Years. every holiday here.
Oh god, now I feel like crying. I have to stop this self pity party but I can't seem to once I'm on a roll.
I wish I had someone to turn to. Someone to talk to. I guess that's why I joined up on this site. I can't go on alone. I won't survive.
