callmecaity19's Journal

Well...

Another day, another worry, another issue. Seems to be a pattern in my life.

I woke up today with severe anxiety... or at least what I picture severe anxiety to be. I'm sure it was nothing compared to those who actually GET severe anxiety attacks. But, I was having a lot of trouble breathing and my thoughts were racing and I felt like I was about to step right into a bad situation.

Turns out, I sort of did. I've become a real bitch to those whom I love. I don't know how this happened, or where this anger came from, but it's there, and I'm beginning to turn everyone I know against me. I just want to get out of the same city that I've been living in for the past TOO MANY years (13 or so?). College is right around the corner and I'm still not ready. I'm not packed. I haven't bought all that I needed to. I haven't been able to see any of my great friends this summer... due to work and the fact that MOST are out of town.

I tried hanging out with one of my friends, who incidentally has an account on here. I feel like a really shitty friend because every time she asks me if I want to do something, I find an excuse to turn her away. I love this girl with all of my heart, but I'm so worried about her health... not to mention I'm super jealous that she's allowed to have an eating disorder when I was forced to get better. She always told me to get better, as well as my parents and doctors and such, but when I or any other person asks her to get better, she doesn't. She lies. She says she's doing a lot better but we all know she isn't. I don't even know if I can trust the weight that she has posted on one of her goals. I love her to death! But I cannont STAND her lying!!!! Another friend and I have talked about her non-stop lying, about silly things or major things and we can't understand why she does it. I know she's gone through a lot in her past (or that's what she claims) but I just can't help but to question all of it.

So I think, thinking about this girl, plus college stuff, plus work stuff, PLUS boyfriend stuff has just got me allllllllll screwed up.

Oh golly! And I met this guy up at my orientation, and he's really great. He's super nice and funny and the total opposite of me. I'm really shy and reserved and he's more on the outgoing side, so I like hanging out with him. However, my boyfriend is probably a little suspicious of this. I told him not to worry because I'm completely and totally in love with him, but I know he worries about losing me. He's not going to. I don't ever plan on hurting him. I just wish there was a way to convince him that nothing is going on! :(

Everything is just going wrong right now.

I hope everyone else on here is doing much better!