Journal

I'm so over my H...or stbx H...or whatever he is. I haven't talked to him or seen him or had any contact at all with him for 2 whole months. I don't miss him. I don't wonder how he is doing, if he misses me, if he followed through with his threats of suicide...nothing. I'm just relieved to be away and starting my life over for me for once in my life. The part that I am now finding confusing and frustrating is my mother. She has always been a different kind of person...kind of "into herself" if you will. Growing up my brother and I did not participate in many extra-curricular activities because my mother was "not put on this earth to be a taxi service!" We rarely had friends over because she was too tired to deal with the noise. She's just not one of those nurturing type of moms...not June Clever at all. She wasn't a bad mom...just...hmmm...I don't know. I can remember that pretty much anything I did, when I would ask her what she thought or if she liked it she would tell me that it was good but would have been better if I would have.....and then she would proceed to tell me what/how I should have done it. As I grew older, things I became interested in and would learn about she would always have to stick in her two cents. I was huge into fitness and working out...my mom is roughly 100 pounds over weight and has horrific eating habits...I became certified as a personal trainer and was working in a gym. Mom, who had taken ONE wellness class 20 years ago in college, made sure to tell me all I needed to know about health & wellness. In college had like 3 majors in one semester because everything I said I was interested in she told me that I wasn't. I wanted to be a nurse and work in labor and delivery. She told me that I didn't because if a baby died that I would be too devastated. I said I wanted to be a math teacher. She said I didn't because I didn't have the patience to be a teacher. I finally picked psychology. Hmmmm...I wonder why.

As I have been through this ordeal with the crappy, controlling, abusive husband she has heard me out. She has listened and she has offered insight and advice. Then, after his last episode she flat out said that she would no longer support me if I decided to try to work things out with him anymore. That was fine. I wasn't looking for that at all. I had already decided for myself that I was done. The thing is, I am now living with my parents again until I can get back on my feet. Since I've been home she has been such a bitch though. And I feel HORRIBLE that I feel that way about her, but I do. When I first got here I needed to vent. I needed to talk to someone about what I was feeling. We would take my dogs for walks and I would try to talk to her and she would not say anything. Ok, so I'm thinking, if you know that one of my major issues with my husband was that he acted like I wasn't there...didn't talk to me...didn't carry on conversations with me...why would SHE do the same? Like I am so stupid or so annoying. So, one night I asked her why she never says anything and she was just like, "You know how I feel about it. There's nothing left to say." Really? You can't even say "hmmm" or "wow, that must have hurt your feelings" or "what an ass!" or....anything?!? just total silence? Why do I even hate total silence from someone anyway? Why can't I just think something like, "ok, well, I've just spewed this whole novel to you and you have said nothing so eff you." Why does it hurt so dang bad? I've been trying to find a job...a good job where I can afford to move out...so I've talked with Mom about different things I've looked at or applied for. Guess what. Every one I have mentioned to her she has had something negative to say about it. The one I am especially interested in she actually has quite a bit of knowledge about because it is in the same field that she works in. So she went on and on at how awful that job would be. However, I have a friend that does that same job and mom says how wonderful Julie is at her job. I finally told her I could come to her and tell her I was going to be the director of NASA and she would have something bad to say about it. Right now I hate that I am so frustrated with her because she has had breast cancer and bladder cancer in the last 3 years. She actually had to have her bladder removed last year and a new one made out of her intestines. She only recently scheduled her 6 month check-up....and it's been over a year. So, I wonder if she is feeling bad and doesn't want to say it because she doesn't want to go through it anymore. I wonder if she is just feeling nervous to get results back. I don't know. She won't talk about it when I ask or when my dad asks her. But tonight I just got totally fed up with her on our walk and asked her to give me my dog's leash because I was done walking with her. I told her I just wanted her to go in the house because she isn't even fun to be around. If I try to joke with her she just make shitty, snide remarks. If I try to talk to her about general conversation, she doesn't say anything at all. I told her that it isn't even possible to talk to her because all she does is snipe and I don't want to hear it anymore. The only thing she will talk about is her job and how she ripped into this person or that person for being so damn stupid...so I know it's not just me she is like this with. My dad I know feels the same because if he wants to know something and it involves asking her he will ask me if I will ask her because she doesn't seem to like him today...or any day for that matter. I'm just sick of this. I feel like it is the same damn thing I left in CA. I think it's no wonder I got involved with someone like my H because I've been living with this my whole freaking life! I don't want to think of my mom like this. I really don't. But right now, I do.