kaitlynn's Journal

No one has died, no one has violated me today, and I can't seem to keep my thoughts together. I feel like someone has sucked out my soul and replaced it with something dark, and awful. I tried to get help last night as I told in another post. I was sent away and told to do other things. I have this overwhelming feeling of utter dispare. I don't want to go to the hospital because there they will charge me 500 dollars for a freaking shot of geodon, and give me a script I can't afford. I see this situation as hopeless even if in reality it's not. That's how I see it. My stomach hurts really bad. It's all in knots, and yet I am starving! I don't want to eat because I am afraid I will throw up and I hate throwing up. I can't turn to my sister cause I know how she really is. She used to work at MHMR here in Brownwood. When I would see her, I would say hi, and she would get this look on her face like, OHH GOD! Please don't associate me with you." So eventually I just stopped saying hi to her. Now that she is not working at MHMR she tries to call, and stuff.. but only to ask if I have been reading the bible, and if I am still walking with the lord. "smerk" AS IF THAT IS GOING TO FIX EVERYTHING!! She is one of those "fantic" christians that believe all people with mental illness are actually possessed by evil spirits. So to shut her up I started going to church, reading the bible. Watching TBN. Those people are really weird! I am not trying to bash anyone ok. Don't take it the wrong way. Please. I guess if some of this wackos on TV were locked in a room for weeks, and months at a time with nothing to eat, and given coffee cans to do your business in.. Then begging for just some bread.. and then being told that you are being punished because God told me ya'll were bad kids!! I was locked in this room with my three other cousins. So I have a real complex with people telling me that God will make it better! WTF ever. I have no where to turn but here. No one to talk to you but ya'll. No one will listen but ya'll. I'm told I am paranoid. I have a right to be paranoid of people that go to church and say, "OHH JESUS" on Sunday, and come home and beat the hell out of their kids on monday. When I say HELL. I mean that litterly. I have a problem with people that go to church and fall on the ground kicking and shaking like some kind of weirdo, and then pointing out that I am the one insane! I have a problem with BENNY HIN getting on national tv and acting like he can heal people, and taking advantage of peoples emotions, and then simply blowing on them and watching them fall over! I have a real big problem with people who say, "GOD WILL MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY, you just have to trust HIM".. TRUST HIM.. TRUUUUUUUUUUUUST HIM!!!! Are you kidding me!! Where was he when we were being starved, beat'n, molested, locked in a room all in HIS FREAKING NAME! Who came to save us? NO ONE. NOT EVEN HIM. NOT HIS SON. NO ONE. NO ONE. NO ONE. NO ONE. NO ONE. NO ONE. NO ONE. NO ONE!! And yet I feel utterly guilty for not being able to love god, or jesus. WHY IS THAT? IT'S NOT MY FAULT!! Yet I am told on a constant basis by my uppity family that I am going to go to hell for my actions.. YOU KNOW WHAT? I"M IN HELL NOW YOU SICK TWISTED FREAKS!! Not you reading this, the ones that hurt me. I go for help to professional people, and they say I am possessed. I guess in away they are right. I am possessed by fear every waking moment of my life. I am possessed by hate every waking moment of my life. All my life I have been hurt, and abused by people who say they LOVE THE LORD, and JESUS is their ROCK of salvation, and so on. I am not trying to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm just trying to get mine out. sorry, I don't mean to be a cry baby..