cinaflower's Journal

The husband came home with a red rose for me arranged in a vase. Sweet. I guess he doesn't suck after all. He's being sweet, I really need it. I've been hurting so much lately. My neck is really hurting today- sometimes my hands- behind my eyes. Of course, my shoulders and arms and occaisionally my knee. Is there a part of me that doesn't hurt? nah- some just MORE than others.

Work was rough, I'm tired of explaining or trying to defend myself with my friends at work. Some are supportive, some think taking time off is such a luxury- that they wouldn't do it until the ambulance takes them out, my principal was very kind and completely supportive. She said, Girl, you gotta take care of you, cause there's only one you. I make fun of her and the way she talks- I know- but I really appreciated her sympathy and understanding. My so called best friend at work is the worst! I don't know what her problem is but it's like she doesn't even believe me- that I'm making a big deal out of nothing- she's been giving me a hard time for the last two months because I can't keep it together- she even called me lazy one day. I know I always let her boss me around and say things to me- that were rough but I let it go as jokes- but she's kind of mean spirited sometimes- and I guess maybe we've always been friends because I did what she wanted- because I listened to her- now I don't have time or energy for all of that-

and I certainly don't have the energy to convince her that I'm not feeling well and am suffering with this dreaded "syndrome".

It's really hard for people to understand fibromyalgia- because we have good days and bad days- because we're walking around talking- wearing makeup and cute clothes and smiling despite our pain. They don't see the hours or days we spend in bed with the heating pad, too weak to hold a freaking book to read, they don't feel our pain. We don't limp or speak funny, we don't need surgery or hospitalization really- no meds really help 100% for sure- we an inconsistent bunch of closet sufferers. And one of the worst things- which makes it seem fake too- is what makes us better- no stress, rest, an easier life- that makes it look like we're doing this by choice- unconscious or not.

But as I sit- my arms are tired, my fingers struggle to type, my head hurts, my hip aches, my knee hurts and my neck and shoulders burn and twitch with cramps and my entire body is tired like I just ran 10 miles and I haven't been able to exercise for weeks. This certainly isn't my choice.