cinaflower's Journal

At some point this morning, I said the hell with this- this pain and funk!!! I will have good day- and I asked myself- if I push myself and pretend nothing's wrong, what will happen? So, I moved and I did what I could. I tried not to use the left arm especially if it involved the elbow or shoulder and that seemed to work okay. I hurt all day but I cleaned house (some), I planted some petunias and johnny jump ups. I replanted and cleaned up my window boxes. I cleaned and organized the outside. I decorated for Halloween inside and out- I cooked supper (baked Italian sausage ziti and broccoli). I blowed the leaves off the front and back concrete areas- that was hard but I kept it down low and switched arms a lot- it hurt but I sucked it up- because it felt awesome to be out in the cool fall weather, it felt awesome to do what I wanted to do, it felt awesome to feel like I accomplished something. I even sat everyone down this morning and wrote them to do lists and told the husband I would need help- and although my boys weren't really fired up they did most of what they were told to do. I learned how to type better by not using my arms- I keep them right by me and just move my fingers- it helps.

My 11 year old broke this container of succulents that was in the dining room- I didn't freak out but I did make him feel guilty for breaking the pot- it was this old piece of pottery that my mom had given me and was about as old as me- and so he started saying it was my fault because I put the pot in the wrong place (on a plant stand in the corner of the dining room) and I should've known they would run around the house and knock it down- I set him straight. I don't like that- one of the worst personality traits you can have and a certain predictor of misery is blaming other people for your mistakes- I will work on him changing that.

I hurt so bad today that I laughed- I didn't cry. If I cry- so what- maybe the husband will feel bad for me and clean something like he did today, haha. Yesterday when I lost it- he was there and he just stroked my leg- he was tired and complaining and when I started talking about not being able to use my arm I just lost it, and he "got it" I think- that this isn't just me being a big pussy.

The house looks okay, I think the kids have something to wear tomorrow. I have leftovers from dinner (lunch for me tomorrow), the outside looks good- and I'm going to take a nice hot bath and see if I can hold a book and read. Maybe I could hire someone to hold my books for me. Well, if I could afford that I'd have a maid and quit work first- and then maybe I'd be well enough to hold my own freaking book.