cinaflower's Journal

                                             My middle child- my first son- is 15 today!!!!! My sweet baby who's 6'1" and 190 pounds!!!!

We had a little celebration, some odd n ends for presents- what he really wants is to get a tv with all his birthday money he accumulates and us helping. I guess that will be okay. We really can't afford to help too much. The boys are pretty good about going outside and not being couch potatoes- so it won't be bad. They really do grow up so fast. How fast it went from him being my little snuggle buddy to pushing me away if I try to touch him!!! I have one left that gives me some lovin'. I am doing okay.

Yesterday and today I've had more energy- but more pain. Today I had pains in weird places- and in wierd ways-  on my head, in one finger, in my right pelvis- in my left arm and shoulder- achy- what- the freaking- hell kinds of pain- pains in my head like I hit my head on something and it's really sore- retarded bizarre- shooting pains. And I realized the pains in my arms and shoulders and chest are like if someone grabs you too hard- that's the pain that is there always. I don't enjoy that in the least but I can live with it. I can live with the pain more than the lack of energy- more than the irritable bowels- because I can funtion then- I can DO stuff. It hurts but I can move the days I have energy. The bowels are being good right now, please oh please let that continue!!! I am so grateful for that!!!

I don't know what to think about this medicine. I can tell it's strong- my brain hurts, my head pounds- but something seems better- but I can't quite put my finger on it- I guess I feel more capable and more energetic- so that helps me get things done so I don't feel so pitiful.

I had to set the husband straight twice lately. Yesterday, I told him I felt like his comments were unsympathetic and flippant and that he was trying to make me feel like I was perpetuating my own sickness- he acted like that was preposterous- but I know what he said, the tone and the words- he often tries to make me feel like I'm crazy for feeling how I feel- or for interpreting what I see as thoughtlessness or being self-absorbed on his part. He thinks I'm supposed to always be thinking about what a great guy he is or something- that no matter what he says or does- that I'm supposed to believe that he wouldn't ever hurt me and that he wants the best for me and that he's doing everything out of the loving kindness of his heart- I would LOVE to feel that way- but I just don't- he puts other people before his famiy a lot- and then he puts himself before his family and me- and he puts the kids before me. Maybe because he feels like I'll always be there- I don't know- but I do realize that's my ego wanting to be first- and that I need to just worry about myself. Right now, though, I need support and understanding and some sweet sweet loving and caring, I just don't know if he even knows how to be that person- and then it's my fault for wishing he's something he can't be.

I don't think yet that this medicine is the answer I'm looking for- something that works on the serotonin levels may be all I need- and then maybe some other meds to manage the pain, a muscle relaxer or something. I will not take real pain meds- I like to feel my reality as much as possible.

I want to sleep!!! I need to sleep for days. It's supposed to be cooler this weekend, I can't wait!!!!