cinaflower's Journal

I got to miss work today because my youngest son had a bug fly in his eye three days ago and it's red and swollen and itchy, he could barely open it- so we went to the doctor. He has an eye infection and he's fine. He enjoyed the day off and we just went to see Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. We were so busy, though, I didn't get to really relax or feel leisurely.

I had a doctor's appointment too. I wonder if I should switch doctors sometimes- he does what he needs to do- and I love that he doesn't ever alarm me- he's very calm and methodical- but I wish he were more interested in me and figuring out what we could do to fix me. He finally decided I have fibromyalgia and irritable bowel syndrome. I wasn't too thrilled to hear that because those are two things that are so nebulous and hard to treat- there's no easy answer.

They're exacerbated by stress- and how in the hell am I going to just take it easy and not get stressed? I'd need about 5 million dollars to pay off all our debts- for us to not work for a while, to build and maintain a house that won't fall apart, to be able to have time to really take care of everything- including ourselves and our health, and fund our kids educations- we could get a yard person, a housekeeper, and a personal trainer- just part time of course.

I know money doesn't solve everything- but I need TIME- I need to slow down and take care of myself and have other people take care of the rest so I can enjoy my life and my family- because being sick robs me of so much. I spend all my energy working and trying to maintain this house with the bare minimum and then I'm spent- too confused and tired to be much use half the time. About 7pm I'm toasted- can't even think straight I hurt so much and am so exhausted. I feel so unorganized and forgetful. My back and shoulders and arms hurt so freaking much and nothing helps. I can't stand pain pills- the heating pad and resting helps more than anything.

My bowels are always in upheaval, some days I'm a living emergency trying to make it to the bathroom before I crap on myself- it's not going to be funny when that happens at work or in a mall. I worry about being able to do anything. Sometimes I think I should stop eating and just drink water- and I sure could use the weight loss- but I love food! It doesn't matter what I eat or don't eat, do or don't do- it's inconsistent.

What's funny is that compared to the rest of my adult life personally I am the most peaceful, the most centered, the most together and stress free I've ever been. I really have learned how to let go of so much. When I get in the car at the end of the day I can usually focus on my home life without carrying the work stress home. I really feel at peace most of the time- even in the midst of chaos- maybe I'm kidding myself or in denial- but I don't get full of anxiety- or have the torn up gut- or the nervous overwhelmed nuttiness I had as a young mother. I don't expect anything to be perfect anymore, and I generally like who I am and where I am and what my life is. Where is the stress that's wrecking havoc on my body?

I've read that having some type of infection triggers episodes of fibromyalgia and IBS- that it can go into remission sort of- and I had most of  these symptoms in my late 20s, except I was more tired and had more joint pain- now it's muscles- but I had 3 little kids and was working and losing my mind. It's not that bad right now. I can usually do whatever I want to do without worrying about what they're doing. But I think the infection theory triggering all of this makes sense- because I did have something- and it took a lot of antibiotics and tests to fix it- and the rounds of antibiotics and yeast infestations in cycles hurt me while trying to help-

I will figure this out. The doc put me on Lyrica today because I told him the celexa was killing my libido- and it was already not great because of my wacky menopausal hormones (or lack of) So- maybe this will be it- the miracle I'm waiting for- the yoga is helping some- I'm losing a little weight- I'll try to tweak my diet to help my tummy issues- and I'm reading a book called, Your Body Believes Everything You Tell It- so that should be interesting.

I am positive that I will be fine. I will enjoy every moment that I am allowed to be on this earth with the people I love- it's hard to be sick, it's hard to not be able to do things- but I still have lots of fun, lots of laughs, I'm still in awe of every sunrise and sunset, every funny thing the kids say, every friend that I have, and still can't get over how cute my husband still is- so I have a lot going for me- and I will be me and that's usually a good thing.