cinaflower's Journal

I haven't been on here in so long. It used to be a daily thing. It was interfering with getting things done, and getting on the computer for very long hurts my back and shoulders so bad. Everyone here is so supportive, at home it's different. Everyone has their own agendas and egos, I have one friend and my parents who are genuinely objective and supportive. The rest, I think, just don't want to hear it, don't want me to be sick, so they kind of minimize it all, dismiss me. I honestly try not to talk about it too much.

The husband is trying, I see that he struggles and that he really tries to say and do the right thing. He's so overwhelmed with his own issues it is hard to take care of another person, I understand that to a degree.

The good news is that I don't have any kind of cancer, my heart is in great shape, and I'm relatively healthy. I have good days and I can do most of what needs to be done to function. That's really good. I'm not in a lot of pain and I'm not miserable anymore, so that's a plus.

I've been put on another antibiotic this week and diflucan because I can't get rid of the yeast infections- I still have thrush. I told the nurse- how can I get rid of the yeast if I keep getting on antibiotics? She had no answer, I needed it because I have an infection somewhere in the intestinal tract. OK.

My internist was dismissive to the point that I nearly started crying while he was talking to me. I did cry in spurts the rest of the day, I was angry.  He kept saying that I'm healthy- OK, so why do I feel so bad? I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia/chronic fatique syndrome years ago- so he suggested that maybe I'm having a bout of that plus irritable bowel syndrome. All the doctors disagree.

I don't want to be sick. I don't want to HAVE ANYTHING, but please, don't try to convince me that what I'm feeling isn't real or doesn't affect my life. Don't look past me and act like it's in my head. One week I was fine, and then I got sick and it didn't end  and they can't tell me why and they can't fix it. I didn't invent this, dammit!

So, I was put on celexa for the fibro, it's possible that could be it- and it couldn't hurt to be on an antidepressant- and people with fibro oftern have IBS- okay- so I"ll act like that's it and try my best to take care of that and make lifestyle changes accordingly.

I know that fibro and IBS can be "started" by a virus or bacterial infection or a bout of stress (the last 3 years or more of my life, hello!)- and although the last year has been one of the most peaceful for me- I guess just being a working mom and all of that could be stressful enough to affect my body. There's no good answers- all I can do is do the best I can do today, and let the rest go.

I am better than I was, I can do more, I feel better than I did a month ago. That's progress and I'm thankful for it.

I would love to take off work and just take care of myself. I've been so tired and achy and spend so much time in the bathroom. I took a nap yesterday, I couldn't stay awake- I haven't been that tired in years- I had slept 10 hours the night before! I don't know how I could get a doctor to write up a medical leave excuse. I can function, I'm just not at my best. My thinking is so cloudy, I forget so much! But I can do my job, just not as well as I'd like.

I will figure it out. I will take care of myself. I'm trying as much as possible to exercise, to do some yoga, to change my eating so I'll feel better.

If it's not one thing, it's the other. I've learned that. Appreciating all the good moments are so much more possible when you've got plenty of crappy ones to compare it to- and I appreciate everything I CAN do- and everything I have- every laugh, every moment with friends and loved ones, even this cruddy old house is keeping me dry and cozy today in the rain. My computer works and and everyone in my house is alive and well. That's good news.