cinaflower's Journal

I wrote a journal entry a week ago and my computer went nuts and I didn't have the energy to do it again! That was frustrating.

School/work has started and I'm beyond not ready. I've been so sick and my house is a disaster and I've been doing the bare minimum for so long that the thought of juggling the house, the kids school and schedule, and my work- along with my inconsistent health is extremely overwhelming. I'm trying to let some things go- but I can't stand the mess at home. I tell everyone what to do, but am too sick or don't have the energy to follow up and make everyone do what needs to be done- including the husband. He spends so much time sitting in his recliner doing nothing- well, watching tv, of course.

The GI guy found out that I have a parasite- and for some reason it's all over wrecking havoc. This is the second day of meds every two hours- and it makes me so sleepy and the little worms are fighting their hardest! Most people don't get it this bad- mostly people with AIDS or some sort of immune defiency have it all over- I just hope that the medicine gets rid of it because the alternative is not good.

I still have a stress test to do and then I will have an upper GI to see this growth in my esophagus. It's all so scary and I really struggle to get through the days doing what I'm supposed to do without freaking out.

I'd love to not be working right now- to have someone clean my house and listen to me and take care of things when I feel bad. I'd love to go somewhere on vacation really spectacular like India or Australia and go on a real adventure- but with my health- I'd have to go somewhere that's relaxing, a spa or retreat or a fancy hotel somewhere beautiful and just relax. I want to escape, I want to do things I've never been able to do before, I want to be free of obligations so that I can take care of myself- and I need help taking care of the rest. I wish my husband would- but he acts like the little he does already is so diffucult he can barely function. I need him to be stronger now for me. HOw can I get him to understand?

I really am trying not to think of worst case scenarios- but it's hard when I feel so bad and don't have the physical ability to do what I need to do- no one understands because I'm walking around functioning for the most part- I can go to a movie, have a laugh, switch a load of laundry, cook supper- but I can't do much in a day. I'm limited- and at work- I'm exhausted mentally and physically. At home- I have only so much energy to get stuff done and then I don't even have the energy to participate in a conversation.

I"m trying to learn a lesson here- trying to learn from what I have to endure. I know that on the other side of this I appreciate every bit of health I have, everything thing I can and will do, every moment I have with my loved ones, every sunset and sunrise. I really do appreciate the simple things about life and people-and when I'm well again I won't take this body for granted.