cinaflower's Journal

I'm really okay, right?

I'm really fine. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Physical therapy is going well and I can finally see that my foot will actually be okay eventually, and that is so exciting. I actually got to walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes as vigorously as I could muster two days ago, I stretched a lot- and tada! I'm fine, no major foot pain, hooray!  I'd been doing water aerobics and yoga and I love it, I feel healthier and my body looks more toned.

BUT...I am sadly and anxiously filled with dread now about my pelvic pain and the fact that I may have adhesions again, and either I'm going to be in pain or I'm possibly facing surgery again. I've been feeling swollen, thick, distended and at times breathless, especially when I have to talk a lot- seems to be more like there's pressure on my diaphram- not like heart problems. I had some pelvic pain the other day that lasted all day and made me cry it was so bad- but that was one day. Since then I have had good days, so I wasn't worried- I've always had some tweaks and pains at times- but I don't worry if they don't last long. So, this morning I wake up and I just feel like I have to pee constantly and the more I walked around, the worse I felt about it- I thought I could possibly have a bladder infection- that wouldn't be so bad- it's easy to treat. I don't have that. It's a pressure on my bladder that aches. My whole abodomen is really full and I feel out of breath more and more, I had some bowel problems this morning, gas, and have been belching and yawning like crazy. I know something is wrong, but I don't want it to be, I really don't, but I'm scared to pieces of having surgery again and I don't want to have to recover again. I just want to be well dammit!!!

So, I went to the doctor today and she didn't have any good ideas, she actually asked me what I thought was wrong. I said adhesions. She didn't disagree. She said they might be something I have to live with, and we could work making the symptoms liveable, but we're going to do a catscan of my abdomen to make sure it all looks okay. I'm glad. She did an ultrasound last time and I wondered if she could see everything. So, I am waiting for them to call me back and tell me when to go.

It hurts more and more, but am I making it worse subconciously by thinking about it too much OR is it getting progressively worse?

I told the husband I was scared, he didn't respond. He just doens't want to entertain the notion of me being sick. I'd like to think that he just doesn't want me to feel bad or have anything wrong with me because he loves me OR he doesn't want me to be sick or have problems because that complicates his life. He's not the most empathetic person I know- well, at least not with me, unfortunately. He's really been tired all the time for the last two months, really the last 20 freaking years. I'm trying to take it one moment at a time, but how can you ignore that something that's wrong has been happening for years? That it's time to fix it? I know I'm supposed to be all zen about my relationships- let go and let him be who he is-but what if the way a person is doesn't coincide with the way you want to live your life? If I'm going to go through some new chronic pain, surgery or whatever I just pray he can be supportive and loving and take care of us. He is capable of doing it.