cinaflower's Journal

I haven't been on here in two months. It's funny that my little profile update said, "ready for change" and that last journal entry's first sentence said, "nothings really changed." That's the freaking story of my life!!!!haha

I just haven't felt like getting on the computer at all lately. I've been reading more, trying to relax more, trying to get things around the house done, trying to participate more in my own life- rather than wishing it were different.

It's really been a struggle. I was really pumped up to try to lose weight again and couldn't exercise because my ankle and foot hurt so bad, so I did try to diet- tried the flat belly diet and that was okay, tried low carb again and that was working- but lately been eating all kinds of crap. I gave up- and just realized it was emotional eating, and why.  I've been trying to do more strength training, doing things in spurts when I watch tv or just walking taller and sucking it all in. I didn't get this weight for no reason, it's because I have issues, and I'm trying to work through it, it's just taking more time than I thought. I'm definitely a stress eater, and I tend to do things in an all or nothing pattern, and I have to learn how to take it slow and do little things that will last.

I went to the doctor for my foot/ankle and I have plantar faciitis, my ankle just isn't healing quickly, and I have a neuroma (inflamed nerves) on the ball of that foot. The neuroma is all but gone- been icing and stretching and wearing more supportive shoes. I have orders for physical therapy but haven't gone. School will be over in a week, I can go then.

I realized the other day that I am so much more peaceful and calm since I had my hysterectomy- none of that up and down pms crap that really lasted most of the month for me- I'd have one good sane week. Now it's pretty good all the time. I do have pissy moods- but it's usually when I'm mad at myself, or stressed, or the husband is being an idiot. It won't ever be perfect, I have to accept that and try to deal with what is the best I can, and appreciate what is good in my life- which is a big job.

My daughter is 21 today. She had a friend come over last night and they went to buy champagne at midnight. She's not a drinker but she thought that would be fun. I got her a red velvet cake from the best cake shop in town. The h and I took her shopping for what she wanted (with a limit, of course) and we went to eat last weekend.

We got rid of our puppy. He was driving us freaking nuts. If we put him in his pen or outside he barked constantly and his bark was so high pitched and annoying. He was eating EVERYTHING, and no matter how many times he went outside, still was taking a huge dump on the bathroom rugs and in my bedroom. We really did try to train him and praise him and do stuff, but ultimately I don't think any of us felt like having him was worth the complications. We were so sad that one day, and then we were over it. I felt so much peace and like my life had gotten simplified immediately! Our friend is a humane society sponser and she had him until they found him a home with this really nice guy and his family on the same street as our last house. They love each other. It worked out for the best. One last thing for me to worry about.

School is almost out for the summer and I need the break so much! I moved into a beautiful new school this year, and I had a low caseload and really a good group of kids- but I really was burnt out, tired. I really just didn't want to work that hard. I didn't do a bad job, the kid's needs were met and they were taken care of- but I wasn't into it, I didn't feel any passion for the job this year. I hope I can get my batteries charged and be ready for next year in a positive way.

My middle child, the 14 year old son is starting to look like a man. He's 6 feet tall now and growing sideburns, for goodness sakes. Crazy! He's severely dyslexic and he'd been struggling so much this year and some of his friends were starting to make fun of him and daring him to do really stupid things- and he would do it. He was failing even after tutoring and asking teachers to help. So, we put him in the public school, which is a good school- but he'll be going to summer school for sure- so 6 more weeks of waking up early. yuck! I hope he can find his way. I hope his teachers will really do the accomodations like they're supposed to.

The husband and I are okay. The things that have driven me crazy for years are still there, though, and I have to learn how to deal with it or find a way to help him change- maybe only by my changing. I don't know. We still have trouble communicating sometimes. He doesn't want to sit down and talk, he gets defensive if i don't say things the right way or approach it from a certain angle. He's still struggling with standing up for himself and with being so negative and pessimistic- mostly about himself and our goals or stuggles. He's too stressed out and too tired most of the time to be any good to me in the bedroom. He says things are fine but he still doesn't act like he's all that attracted to me- and I'm not trying to be all- pitiful me- but I can understand that. I am really big right now and even though I'm still an attractive person my body is kind of a disaster. It is, I'm just being real. I need to lose about 40 pounds just to not be obese- and really could lose 100 pounds to not be really overweight. I know I can't overwhelm myself with the numbers, I have to just adopt healthy habits and start moving more and I will get there.

I was talking to this 27 year old girl at work who's a big beautiful black girl and she was talking about her life and this boyfriend she just broke up with- and I was like- that doesn't matter- I would love to be on my own right now- you need to love your life and yourself and the rest will come to you. I told her the biggest regret I have now at 40 is letting my body go when I was younger and not being perfectly healthy now- it's so hard to lose weight as a hypothyroid menopausal 40 year old, jeez. She has the world in her hands now- she should not waste that time with herself. I never ever got to be alone- I went from my parents' house to my husband's arms- and when I'm alone again- the kids are gone- I want to have my health. You have to have that to have anything else work.