cinaflower's Journal

I

     I've had such a busy week, but it's really been pretty good. I feel positive, blessed and lucky for all that my life is right now. It isn't perfect, it isn't the way I want it, I AM overwhelmed with all I have to do, but I can appreciate what is good now. I can do that because it's been a lot worse. In the last three years or so I have been in pieces trying to keep my marriage together, I have been in pain, I have had surgeries, I have been miserable and depressed and thought I'd never feel good again. My job has been worse and I've had rougher times with the kids.

     It's here- I do feel good, and my life is okay now. The bad times made me who I am and I'm a better person for all I've gone through. I feel good today because I know it could be worse, and I know what worse feels like.

     It's spring and it feels good outside, but it also feels pretty good inside most of the time. No matter what happens or what life gives me I know I'll be okay because I can make peace with it and I only have to handle it one moment at a time.

     I had a meeting out of town Friday for work- I was put on a new committee, so I spent the night away all by myself at a hotel. It wasn't a long time but it was nice to be alone. I am not joking when I say I haven't been alone for more than a few hours in 21 years, except for one week when I went to a training out of town for a week- and had to come home for a root canal. Nice, right? My mom lives where the training was so we had dinner the night before and after the training I met her at work. She works in a paradise to me. It's a historical garden that's on 100s of acres in the middle of town and it's just so peaceful and beautiful and I'd feel like a child whose dreams came true if I worked there too. She still has too fool with people because she's part of a university- but most of the time she's doing her thing outside in her flowerbeds. To me that's just like playing all day!

     After she showed me around her gardens in her "gator" we went shopping and she bought me a ton a spring clothes. She's been wanting to do that for a long time. I know she wishes we could just hang out all the time and we only live about an hour and a half apart but I have a family to raise and a house to clean and I can't go over there and hang out- who will do the laundry that would take me a week solid to do if I did nothing else???? She doesn't come here either because she's busy. I wish my whole family lived with me on a farm or something like a compound and we could stay home when we want and just walk over to visit when we want. They'd probably drive me crazy!

     I lost 6 pounds so far on my no/low carb diet. It works for me. I really don't crave food or ever feel hungry but mentally- I do really want a baked potato with cheese or a few cookies and milk or a couple of pralines or a double scoop of jamoca almond fudge. But I'm doing okay. I made some fat free/sugar free pudding last night and put some fat/sugar free kool whip on it and it was good and satisfied that sweet tooth- the rest of the family demolished it like it was awesome- They've been completely neglected since my diet started! I do cook- but they want carbs! In a week or so I'll add some brown rice and whole wheat pasta and some fruit so I can make more things they'd like. I'm so freaking tired of salads and I love vegetables!

I haven't exercised much, my ankle and knee have really hurt, but today I will break that activeless streak and walk a little while and do some strength training.

     I cut about 6 inches off my hair yesterday. It's so cute. I feel so free!!!! It's straight today but when it gets humid there's no point in straightening it. I feel like a new woman with this new 'do- it's amazing how something so simple can make you feel better!

     It's a beautiful day here and I need to get out in it too and soak in some sunshine.