cinaflower's Journal

I'm trying to be okay. I tell myself I'm fine, things will be fine. But I'm a little stressed, a little bummed right now.

I am really overwhelmed with all that has to be done for Christmas. I can't get it all straight in my head and no amount of list making helps me. I'm mentally toasted. I'm also broke which makes it really hard. Usually I'll spend money from my own account to "fill out" Christmas for the kids- stocking stuffers, cute little things to wrap and put under the tree. I don't have any extra money to do that with right now.

I'm aggravated with the h right now and we barely spoke yesterday. We hardly ever do it. Maybe once every two weeks, if I"m lucky. He's too tired, he's too stressed, whatever. So, we did it or attempted to do it Sunday and he just stops in the middle and can't finish and is done. yuck. I'm sorry. I'm mad. He said he wasn't that into it and that he had a lot on his mind and he was really tired. OH, that's stupid. I got the same amount of sleep and while I busted my butt all day Sunday he was chilling all day and fell asleep in his recliner. He has a lot of excuses. I'm supposed to be sympathetic but I can't be. I want a normal decent good s-- life. This has happened maybe 5 times this year- which isn't a lot- but it is when you rarely even try to do it. I want him to want me enough to overcome whatever it is to make it work. If he had a physical reason- or even a psychological one I'd be okay if he'd just be honest and real about it. It's hard not to take it personally, it's hard not to think somethings wrong with him or me or us. I want to give up and not do it at all but I know that's not healthy either. I don't think I really want to know if he's not attracted to me but he says that isn't a problem.

I want to ignore it, to just move forward and take care of myself and hope that it gets better. I can't push it aside- it just builds up and doesn't go away unless I bring it up and we talk about it. Resentment builds up and that just destroys the love we have. I want to be close again like we were during therapy- when he seemed so sweet and loving and he was trying so hard. I feel very lonely when things don't go right with us and I wish I could just let go and move on and be in a great mood the next time I see him and it'd be fine. But it doesn't work that way.

I'm at work and I need to get off of here. The kids are at a Christmas program and I have some time alone and I'm going insane instead of being productive!

I'll be fine. We'll talk and it'll be fine.