cinaflower's Journal

I had written this journal this afternoon and took a long time to do it in between things at work, then it didn't save. GREAT! So, whatever! I guess it was for the best because I went to our marriage counseling today and I learned a lot. VERY interesting.

I learned that because I was the only girl, treated as the "princess", was a Daddy's girl, and was told most of my life by my dad how special and talented I was I have ended up making my own self miserable by trying to be too perfect, by projecting my own insecurities and issues onto my spouse because I want to do everything a certain way, and by expecting my husband to be as awesome as my dad- and live up to this ideal that doesn't exist- I automatically set him up for failure.

We were just talking before the session and he asked me why I get so ticked off and think it's the end of the world when he just has a bad day or doesn't talk to me a lot for a day or so- and after I thought about it- said that I needed him to be affectionate and give me lots of attention to make up for the last few years when I've been completely emotionally drained- that the least little thing makes me think about the past mistakes and makes me feel hopeless that things won't ever change. BUT after our session- I realized what it really was about was that I was overwhelmed and unable to deal with my own problems and things not being perfect and because I want him to help him make my world perfect- I blame him for all of it messing up- and it isn't about him- it's my expectations and my issues.

There's no doubt that he needs to help more and be more attentive and all of that- but learning these deep things about ourselves- getting to the core of it- enables us to see why we do things and why certain things upset us and what is motivating our problems to seem unsurmountable. It's all about communicating in a very real open way- which IS hard- but if we could get there, whatever life throws us can be handled because we'd be on each other's side- even if we don't ever agree. It doesn't have to be my way- it isn't even about who's right or wrong or if the problem gets solved- it's about how we feel and how we relate to each other and about being there for each other.