cinaflower's Journal

I'm at  work. Don't tell anyone. shhh!!

I'm doing okay today. The only thing I've really been struggling with lately is feeling very overwhelmed with things I'm supposed to be doing- making doctor's appointments, bills, housework, kid's things to do, stuff at work- all of it- I can't keep up- and all of a sudden something will hit me and I'll think oh crud I was supposed to...whatever. Yesterday, my son came home and told me his teacher had brought him a lunch for his field trip- that made me feel terrible- that I hadn't remembered- but she made it seem like she just had brought an extra, in case someone forgot theirs- I feel so scatterbrained. I also feel like because I'm a teacher my kids should be on top of everything at school and we aren't- they're not making the best grades and I forget stuff constantly. I will forgive myself, though, because I cannot do it all perfectly- there's too much going on and I'm lucky to be sane and functioning at all, really.

Last night was a really good therapy session. We're really getting a lot out of it- I wish we would've done it years ago, but I think I had to wait for us both to be open minded enough for us to really "get it". We talked about our daughter and it was so emotional. My husband admitted that he just wished she'd grow up so we could move on- because he's tired of raising her- that he's never known what to do and that it's always been a struggle and he's tired of all it- and he teared up- so I started crying and didn't stop for a long time, I ended up sobbing which was embarrassing. I don't like to cry in front of anyone. I had to tell him what I heard him say- to mirror talk- and I told him I felt that way too- that he's overwhelmed and conflicted and he feels like he wasn't a good father- that he wasn't good enough- and I told him I felt that way too. Then the therapist made me be empathetic- to tell him what he wanted to hear- and I told him that he was a great father and that we did the best we could- that it was hard- and he did the best that he could- and that made him very happy. And it was really good because this issue has put distance between us- blaming each other for how she turned out- instead of working toward what we both want, for her to grow up. And the therapist talked about how we've been through this ordeal- that we needed to grieve- that it's been hard for us- and that because of her anorexia she is emotionally and developmentally retarded- she lost years- and we still have to parent her- and our assignment is to come up with a few things to agree on to help her grow up- rules or whatever. We already kind of agreed on it- and we'll talk some more. I'm really excited though- about how everything we discuss unites us- everything makes us feel more like a couple- instead of two people fighting for our lives on our own. We've needed that all along- it doesn't matter what issue comes up if you feel like your partner will be there with you- to listen and be there for you- whether you agree or not- but to take care of each other and be partners in every sense of the word.

It's exciting, the changes, the way it's taking the stress out of living- to have each other on each other's side. Good stuff!

I better go and eat lunch!!!!!