cinaflower's Journal

I'm so tired but I wanted to write.

I was looking up some stuff Friday, I think, on rekindling the romance in marriage and I got sent to this article on the Oprah website. So, I read it and then saw this article on husbands who have been molested so I clicked on it because I was curious. My husband had mentioned to me many many years ago casually about how he was molested by a neighborhood kid- but he acted like it wasn't a big deal and that it really didn't affect him. I bought it- and I could relate because I had some things happen to me when I was a teenager that I was ashamed about- but I figured it was just one of those things you just overcome. I started reading the article- it was written sort of by this guy's wife- and I could've been her- I HAVE said all the things she said- on here- to myself- to my friends-to my husband. It was about how the sexual abuse her husband suffered had affected her marriage- it was us- I read on and on- I looked up articles- I got on here and read stuff- I went to web sites and read other guy's stories. My poor husband. I just didn't get it before. I just didn't think it was a big deal, I don't know why- if it happened to one of my sons I'd be devastated- but he told me he was okay- but now I know better- all of his distance- all of his pulling away- his disinterest in sex- just all of the little strange things I've known in my heart that weren't right- all are common symptoms of men who had been abused. I know I need to get him help no matter what he says but I don't know how to approach him. I'm afraid he will just try to convince me it's not a big deal. I'm afraid he will freak out.

I remember back a few years ago when we were really having problems and he was just freaking out to lunch for almost a whole year- and I really felt like one day he was going to just flip out and disappear. I've always felt like there was some kind of struggle going on inside of him that he won't share- thoughts that keep him down- tell him he'll never be good enough- and of course his wife saying she wasn't happy didn't help, now did it? Another failure for him. crap. All the times I've felt so lonely, when he just goes away in spirit- is he thinking about it? Does it haunt him?

He's on vacation now so he's in a great mood. I want to bring it up but I don't want to ruin his good mood. I was going to take Friday off to spend the day with him, I kind of want to make an appointment with a marriage therapist for that day. We've been talking about doing it for a long time- but we've actually been feeling better about us lately.  Would that be too sneaky? I don't want it to seem like an ambush, but I need someone else to explain to him how much it affects his life. He's been trying to convince me for so long that I expect too much, that life isn't supposed to be that great- that it's hard- that it's not always wonderful. And I agree a little- but he's living that philosophy whole heartedly- I just don't want to give up hope that it could be so great- and I think he did many many years ago.