cinaflower's Journal

This is me because today was my last day of work for the 2007-8 school year! Yay me!!!! I went to lunch with my two best friends after work and we had a nice time and now I'm home and I'm so so glad for this to be over. This school year was crazy! I was in horrid pain for months, had two surgeries, complications, a sprained ankle and wrist, my marriage is falling apart, my daughter started her first year of college, and I had students with the worst behavior in my entire school. When my kids weren't on their medicine they acted like animals from the zoo. I was lucky to have survived all of it!!!!! And now I can rest, and rest and rest and be me and have fun and relax and rest.

My lovely daughter just hit us with a bizzarro plan of inconcievable stupidity!!! She's planning on driving to Los Angeles from Louisiana next Friday with 200$ in her pocket- ALONE! She is freaking insane! She is very tiny, very cute, very naive, very unrealistic and I think she's a perfect target for any serial killer roaming the midwest- or being captured and sold into the sex slave trade abroad where we will never find her again. She's making me nuts. She doesn't have enough money to get there, she has a terrible sense of direction and she just has no clue. I keep talking to her- to find out what she's doing, her plans- to talk some sense into her and she gets all dramatic and says I'm being ridiculous. She has a friend from here that is staying on in Los Angeles and she's sure she can get a job immediately- but she wouldn't get paid immediately. She wants to stay for a month- who would hire her for a month? She has to pay a down payment plus 700$ for a room at her friend's place. She has 200$ and that won't even get her across Texas. How could I have raised someone so out of touch with reality?

I've thought about riding with her, driving her there- so she wouldn't be alone and I've always liked road trips- of course this is the mother of all road trips, but she wouldn't want to stop anywhere cool- and I could fly back for 220- but even that is stupid because we don't have extra money for any of it- especially with the price of gas- oh, man! I'm going to do some research right now to see how much it'll cost her to do it and hit her with the facts this weekend so we can openly discuss it. My lovely husband keeps saying that she is a grown woman and can do what she wants, uh hello- who's washing her clothes, letting her live here, and feeding her?

Yesterday, I had some issues! I was so mad- thinking about how he's treated me over the years- and I always get mad thinking about the past- regret is always a killer- that's why we have to think about the moment- and now. I realized over the course of the day- and after reading some things that I let him be the way he was. It wasn't his fault- not all of it. When we got married he didn't know how to do anything- cook, clean, laundry, yard work, take care of kids, care for people, he had no common sense, no sense of direction - he just didn't know. And I did know- so I did it for us- and it wasn't so bad at first- but after the kids it was too much- and I tried to ask for help, and tried to tell him what I wanted and needed, but he just wouldn't or couldn't do it. And why would he want to change things? His clothes were washed and lovingly placed in his drawers, new razors and deoderant magically appeared when he needed it, he had food to eat, and me to take care of it all if he didn't. Why would he give up all of that- and get to come and go as he pleased, if he didn't have to? Now he's been trying to change- but he can't really deal with how much I've changed. He can't deal with any negative comments or the hint of my being disatisfied with what he is doing or our lives. He is so sensitive, so wounded, so insecure and that's the hardest part- he addresses everything from that place- a place of being less than, a place where he has to please other people- a place where he's constantly reminded by me that he's not doing it all right- so it just compounds the problems. This is why we need counseling, I will never be able to communicate this to him myself because he is so defensive with me, I will never be able to get him to change with my words- he has to do it for himself- and he needs someone else to explain it to him in a way he understands.

So, last night I read this book in the bath- Attitudes of Gratitude- a great little book- and I felt more compassionate and loving when I was done. He kissed me on the neck last night, but when I asked him to kiss me later he just gave me an emotionless peck. I really don't think we need to be physically intimate until he's doing a little better- it hasn't been ending up well in that department- and it's all in his head.

I have a lot of crap going on. My son starts summer school next week. He's in 7th and he's very dyslexic and he failed langauge and literature- that was taught in a 2 hour block by the same evil teacher and he did awful, he didn't just do bad, he bombed everything he did in there. But you know what- I'm still good. I'm okay. I'm happy. I don't know what's happening to my marriage, I don't know if I can keep my daughter from going on this stupid trip, I don't know if my body will every heal properly- but it's okay. I'm okay. I'm blessed, I am. I have wonderful people in my life, I have a cute old house that I've lovingly decorated the best I could, I have flowers blooming in my yard, today my kids are are healthy and happy, and my husband keeps trying to be that guy I know he can be- and most of all, I am FREE for over two months starting today. I'm good. I have a good life and I will enjoy it no matter what other people are doing or saying- that doesn't change who I am.