cinaflower's Journal

The husband and I emailed all day and we decided to go to dinner last night by ourselves. We ordered pizza for the kids and paid my daughter 10$ to watch the boys (she just sits there watching tv and saying, do it yourself!). We had a good talk, very honest and relaxed, and I think we cleared up some things and I feel much better. I feel better because it appears that whatever is happening on his part- his lack of attention or whatever- that it's not because of me directly. It's because he's stressed and he doesn't feel good about himself and because he thinks that no matter what he does I don't want him- that he'll never be good enough for me. But knowing that- knowing that's where it's all coming from is a relief for me. I really thought it was because I was too fat or too bitchy or just got on his nerves somehow- but it's all about him worrying about me wanting him. Knowing that allows me to be more compassionate, softer, more understanding. I've always wanted to take care of him- to convince him he's that great guy I thought he was- and I know that when I am more like that he does better, he's stronger, he more able to be who I need him to be.  We're still going to get counseling. He even called someone he thought he'd like yesterday to check it out and we talked about how to fit it in our schedule when I'm done with school. We're using our economic incentive check- if everyone used it for therapy and counseling this world would be a better place! Right now it's good though, it's always a honeymoon when get to the breaking point and start all over. So, I'm good right now.

Work is crazy, ready for it to be over. The meds haven't been as wonderful to me this week, so I'll have to see if I'll keep taking them. I get a headache every night when they wear off, and yesterday I ate a lot! I've been having trouble feeling as peaceful and enlightened as I did recovering from surgery, being thankful for everything- like right now I want this ankle to heal completely so I can walk and run! My wrist and knee still hurt too- so I can't even do yoga. I am blessed in many ways, and I will try very very hard today to slow down and appreciate my life in the moment!