Journal

It was a rough week and I'm so glad it's the weekend. I had a cold all week and it's still dragging on. I fell asleep around 4:30 this afternoon and slept over 3 hours. I'm going to take a bath and get back in bed. Maybe if I sleep constantly maybe eventually I'll have some energy.

I started my new meds last Friday and it seems to be going well. I thought my shoulder/arm pain was just part of my fibro- but the doc said it was bursitis- which just means it's inflamed really. I've been taking anti-inflammatories and muscle relaxers for that. I'm supposed to take the muscle relaxer three times a day- I was too tired!

 In general, I would say I'm better- but I still have no stamina- and I can't seem to focus on anything. I have trouble reading and doing things with my hands- like the connections between the brain and these other parts just aren't right. I have trouble manipulating things, thinking, remembering, and in reading comprehension. I was always a fast reader- I feel frustrated by looking at a magazine now.

The doctors suggested several things- and I don't know what to do. My obgyn referred me for water therapy but we haven't finished paying for my PT from last May for my plantar fasciitis- so they won't do it until then. They completely misquoted how much that was going to be to me. And my internist wants to do a sleep study- which may be a good idea- but also expensive. I can't keep trying all this stuff and going through test after test- just the 40$ co-pay is hard to fork over every so often- let alone all the meds to pay for. It's rough-

I'm also struggling now with how I want to deal with this at work and home- and how others treat me. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me and I don't want to complain and I don't want to make a bigger deal out of stuff than it is- but I want to be given the benefit of the doubt and, I guess, some accomodations for my health- or lack of it. I'm so close to just taking the medical leave some days- I know it would be the best thing for me- but everyone makes me feel guilty- they say life IS hard, we're all tired, we're all busy- we all need a rest- but they aren't me with this crap going on. I haven't been healthy an entire week since June. It's taking a toll on me, on our family- on the organization and running of my household. I cant' do it all- some days I can't do anything except show up.

I'm optimistic about this medicine I'm on-except that today I've had some head pain- although that could be from sinus stuff. I hope with some good rest this weekend maybe I can make some progress on getting my house in order and taking care of myself.

I'm home today!!! Yay! I have two doctor's appointments today, so I'm going to do all of that and relax a little. I really can't do much but relax I'm falling apart.

I'm really struggling with doing much of anything, my body is exhausted.

My son was looking for some socks this morning and I couldn't do it- I couldn't look through the laundry- my arms didn't work- I was sweating- I was so tired- LOOKING FOR  F-ing SOCKS!!!!

The husband is trying to be sympathetic and cut me some slack- but this is really hard!!! I definitely was doing better on the Lyrica- but that's a hard decision to make- raging pounding headaches/nausea/feeling wierd v/s being able to find socks, being able to move my body!!! I'm going to try something else. If it comes down to it I might have to pick the headaches.

The other day I had to go straight to bed from work, I woke up at 7:30 and made some frozen pizzas. It was all good- no one was giving me a hard time about being asleep, everyone was doing what they needed to do- and I was torn- I was disappointed they didn't need me and I was excited that I could take a nap without guilt.

I'mlooking forward to a nap after this first doctor's appointment. Who knew that naps could be so exciting?

I am grateful today. Does that mean I'm full of grates? That doesn't make sense. haha

I am grateful for:

fall weather*     I can type right now     *I can see*    I can breathe    *I have friends

*my kids are healthy and happy     *My parents and brothers are all alive and we get along and we love to see each other*     My sister's in law are all cool decent ladies*       my house is cute and comfortable*     I'm surrounded by things I love, paint colors, vases, furnishings and decorations that make me smile*     I can walk*     I can smile*     I can talk     *I'm going to take a bath and go to bed in a minute     *I'm not married to a butthead (I may call him that, but he isn't really)      * love    * I'm taking Friday off- even if it is to go to the doctors     *I'm cute, funny, spunky, and unique     *My illnesses aren't life threatening.     *My washer and dryer work and I don't have to carry water from a little creek 3 miles away to wash dishes or clothes     *I can afford to buy groceries     *I have a nice car I like that is reliable and I like it because it's blue     *I finally got all my cats except one fixed     *the cats are eating all the rodents withing a mile radius and I won't have to listen to wierd scratching in the night     *halloween     *my brother flying in for Thanksgiving     *I took a lovely long nap today after work and no one gave me a hard time about it      *My best friend is a yoga instructor and he gives me lessons for free*my computer is working and the internet isn't acting crazy   

*my husband is asleep in his chair and I can snuggle with my 11 year old baby when I go to bed in a minute and let the husband wake him up     *the bouquet of zinnias I picked for my garden that are on my dining room table     *the lovely sleep I'm about to go into     *the nice tomorrow I will look forward to     * working with children who need me and think I'm funny and sometimes want to learn     *my friends at work     *our new school*the sky, and the stars, and the clouds, and the moon     *the trees and the flowers and the waterfalls and the fall colored leaves     *the mountains and the hills and the sandy beaches at the oceans edge  *this place where I can say whatever I want and people support each other