Cygnet's Journal

One more day and Friday will be here.  As usual, I am going through the normal routine.  Running through my head all the things I want to do, although I know deep down I won't get 1/4 of them done.  It isn't that there is that much on the list...  It's just that I'll either get frustrated or angry and the next thing I know I'll be exhausted and need to take a nap, and I'll run that gambit the whole weekend.  If I could only get himself and the kids out of the house for a while, I would probably be able to get more done.  The chance of that happening is less than positive.

Went to the counselor on Monday, for what will be the last time.  We spent the whole hour talking about Europe and places he's been and ones I would like to see.  Then were talking about where we came from and the activities that were avaialble that we used to enjoy (that we can't find here in the south).  I came away with the distinct feeling that I had just wasted an hour of my life that I can't get back.. 

Mad a Dr. appointment for the next day, which I totally screwed up.  appointment was for 1:45 and for some reason I wrote down 3:45.  I was about to break down, thinking I would have to come back another day, when they told me my regular Dr. was not available, but another that I have seen on occassion was.  I took the chance and agreed to see her and am glad that I did.  While she admitted that my depression is a bit out of her expertiese, she listened.  I mean really listened.  The other one has too, but not like this.  Perhaps it was because she is female or perhaps it was that I probably had a look of total desperation on my face..  She said she could give me another medication, because it seems the Effexor has all but stopped working, but it would only be a temporary bandage on a growing stress for me. 

So, it seems I will be going to a psychiatrist in the near future.  The Dr. felt this was the best option as they have experience in working with various medications and are better trained and equipped to notice changes in my demeanor and/or behavior to know if things are working or not. 

I keep telling myself there are no miracles and that this is just another stone in the path, but I can't help but hope just a little that things will get even a bit better soon.  By the Fates I want my life back.  I want to enjoy doing things again, participating in my hobbies.  Heck, doing things with my kids..  I'm tired of walking around under this oppresive cloud.  I can't breath.. 

Alive but not living..  It is more of a nightmare than I ever thought I would have to experience.