Cygnet's Journal

This weekend was horrible.  The kids are constantly arguing.  Himself is either sniping at them or at me about them or because of them.  I just wanted to crawl in bed and stay there.  Tried to get some things done, but did very little.

I am at such a loss with Himself.  When I need his help and support, he can't be bothered.  When I flat out tell him I want to do something on my own, he's full of suggestions, and they are always negative...  Cases in point.

Saturday I wanted to make beef stew.  I got up, browned the meat, cut up the veggies and got everything in a pot.  I always tell people i hate to cook, but that isn't 100% true, I can't deal with it when folks are critical of my cooking, so I really loss any little bit of enjoyment I used to have in it, so what he did made it even worse.  He comes walking in, tells me I have the stew in too small of a pot, grabs another one, dumps it in and says "you're welcome"...  Didn't ask if he could help, didn't offer to clean up the mess he made, just had to get his hands in it, and walk over me to do it.

I have a cat that means the world to me.  I've wanted a Russian Blue since I was a teenager, so after 30 years, when I could finally afford one, I took great pains in finding one.  Idonea is my baby.  She comes to see me when I come home, sleeps with me and is my shadow (in a good way)...  We have 3 other cats, but she's my baby.  Well, suddenly Himself is ignoring all the other cats and only paying attention to Idonea claiming her as his cat too as if I am not permitted to have her attention alone.  I know, it may sound selfish, but there are some underlying factors.  She was born with Stomatitis, which has meant a few surgeries to remove her teeth and affected gum areas.  She is only permitted to eat tuna and salmon (no pre-processed cat food as it causes her ill effects), she gets daily medicines and means that I need to assist her with simple grooming, like cleaning her claws since she doesn't have the teeth to do it (or they will get infected..  funny what I've taken for granted with the other felines).  I am the one who does these things, pays the vet bills and buys the special foods, but suddenly she's "his cat" too.

Well, she likes to sit close to me and watch me while I am on the computer, to the point of walking in front of the screen, knocking things about.  I cleaned off the scanner and put a towel on it, for her to lay on, but she keeps walking in front of the monitor while I am trying to do something...  I came up with the idea of building her a platform that went over the computer and monitor and would put her right at my face level, so she could see me and know I could see her...  I bought the materials and drew out the plans.  I wanted it to be a project I did, and I wanted to do it all by hand.  Well, seems I don't have a clue of how to do anything since himself decided he needed to interject...  constantly....  what HE would do..  I asked him not to do this.  Told him I wanted to do it myself...  But all he kept saying he was helping me "to do it right"..  Like what I planned wasn't.  Well, part way through it wasn't enjoyable anymore.  I just wanted to get it done so he wouldn't try to help any more..

Argggghhh.  Why is it I beg for his help with my depression.  Ask him to go to the Dr. or the Therapist, buy him books to read and all of it for not, as he can't be bothered.  I try to find something I enjoy to do, trying to do SOMETHING to enjoy.  Something I can find some happiness in and he has to get involved, not in a good way but in such a way to make me feel even worse than I did when I started.

I can't take any more.  I have no where to go, no one to talk to and I am falling apart to the point I don't know if I can ever put myself back together to the person I once was.  What's the use.  I am to the point of talking to my ex and asking him to take the children and just dissapearing into oblivion..  The kids would be better off and himself could just go and do whatever the hell he feels like it..  Feeling like this isn't worth anything.  I've left no positive mark on this world.  Idonea would be the only one who would notice I was gone..  Even then, himself would be more than happy to be the only one there too....

 I quit