sperry76's Journal

I have been depressed for the last several days because I miscarried ower baby. I've had my tubes tied for 8 years now so it was agreat shocker to me and my boyfriend or I should say my soulmate. I've never been in love before than i am now, I wish i could explain it. He gazes at me with such awe like he can't believe I'm reall, like it's too good to be true.

   Any ways lets step back a bit. Last year my second husband of almost ten years passed away in his sleep. Me & our 7 yr. old found him in bed 1 evening & I yelled at my youngest son to get out of the room so i could do CPR 7 call 911. Well he died bout an hr, before I found him because he said he wanted to take a nap 7 to wake him at 7pm, so I did and unfortunately i was too late.

   Well whats strange is that his best friend Gary & my husband just got back together after not seeing each other for over 5 yrs only 2 days before he died. I guess my late husband was bragging how good of a wife I was & he loved me very much and I was a very loving wife. I've know my angel (Gary) for 12 years now. He's been a blessing and a gift from God I don't know what i would have done without him. He treats my sons (13 & 8)just as if they were his own. I never met a more kind, generous, gentle & loveing man. He would do anything for anybody.

Then after my husband died a month to the day my sons & I were in a horrific car accident. I hit a small patch of black ice a min. from our house at 8:00 in the evening. The car (Chevy Cobalt) swirved into an oncoming dodge Ram truck and hit passenger side3 door & miraculously missed my youngest son in the back seat & took out the back half of my car completely. my youngest son only had a busted lip from where my 13 yr. seat broke & flew back and hit him in the face. But my 13 yr. was unconcious & bleeding prefusively from his head...i thought he was dead! I got him to start mumbling 7 put pressure on his bleeding skull that was a decompressed skull fracture that was putting pressure on his brain. he was rushed to columbus, oh children's where the best neruo. surgeon got out the developed blod clot & placed 20 small titanium plates in his skull to push it back out & still today he suffers some minor memory loss and headaches...but he's alive and that's all that matters. I know god was there with us that night & the boys father wrapping their arms around us & protecting us from being killed. the Drs. said it was a miracle that none of us were killed in the wreck.

   Then several days later my grandmother who raised me passed away from kidney failure & a heart attack. it seems like I was & almost lost everyone around me. Now I have my guardian angel Gary to look over us, take care of us & to protect us.

   Was it destiny the reason I got pregnant? I know everything happens for a reason but I don't have the answers. Gary has a 15 yr. old, so when I told him I was pregnant of course he was shocked because I have a tubal. He looked worried or upset because he would be 60 urs. old when the child is grown. Which I was in shock of being pregnant but it hurt my feels also because i believed this baby is very special for some reason to come into this world with such small % of me getting pregnant. I didn't let on but i cherished it thinking this may be my last chance to have another baby. After a few days he started coming around & getting happy about the idea & rubbing my belly, but few days later i started spotting knowing that's normal...but then severe pains, cramps & bleeding. I knew i lost it just like my 1st pregnancy 15 yrs. ago. Gary was very upset and supportive to me sbout the whole thing.

   Now he's not sure if he wants another baby since his son is almost grown. He says it's not that he doesn't want a baby with me it's just a big decision & with my MS health symptoms at times he's not for sure if it's a good idea. But I have my MS under control 7 my neruo says I can have another. Maybe he wants to be married 1st. he says & i know he loves me very deeply and with all his heart (me also)maybe he's afraid of commitment or maybe too soon. We've both told each other that we want to spend the rest of our lives together, so i don't see why he would be afraid of commitment. All I do is dream about us having a family & our family all together also growing old together and watching our children & grandchildrewn grow up.

   I just hope he sees how much i love him & how much he means to me in this world. I would go to the ends of the earth for him, I take care of him when he is ill & he does the same for me ..always taking care of me especially after all the surgeries that i've had in the last few months. All I want is for him, me, his son, my 2 sons & hopefully be able to have that little precious baby girl that I've always wanted, with his beautiful brown half Japanese eyes, olive skin & his beautiful laugh, smile head full of dark hair with her daddy's intelligence. But he said lets think about for a couple of months before we make any rash decsions due to be a life changing event again and also with my ms of course. But if he decides no that he doesn't want another baby then I'll have to respect that no matter how much it hurts because I love him & my family more than myself and anything in this world & i would never do anything to jepordise our happiness together. but I'm a strong believer in God, for he makes the decisions and outcomes in our lives...who comes & who goes to start anew. I beleive if I'm intended to have another baby then that's God's decision, for he has a reason for everything even though we may nver know the answers...there's always a very special reason.