AdeinEngland's Journal

I'm kinda new to this.

And i feel pretty stupid even writing this blog/journal. I guess i'm about to fulfil my cliche quote for 2009 when i say the same lines most people do when they get to the same point i'm at - i dont THINK i have a problem??

Its just recently its occurred to me that maybe planning nights out and getting excited by them when i dont even have enough money to put food in my fridge - or going round a friends BBQ and getting so hammered by 9pm that i'm curled up in a ball, alone and blacked out - these sorts of things are not normal. 

I guess when you're about 17 or 18, particularly being British, you view drinking as "what your Dad does". Or just something you grow up and out of at University. I've even heard it referred to as "the beer years" on occasion?! I suppose the dynamic you're supposed to work to is:

- turn 16 or 17 and start on the cheap cider

- move over to beer

- 18 or 19 you're at Uni or earning money so u go out with your friends to socialise and have fun.

- drinking and clubbing is an easy way to meet someone to have sex with

- u meet someone, settle down a bit and kinda get bored of the booze and focus more on your relationship and work.

The only trouble is - if you either don't have the confidence to get yourself a partner, or for one reason or another you didn't settle down, you're left with this casm to fill while all your friends are out choosing which duvet cover to invest in. So what do you do? You keep going out, mindful that this is how your friends found partners - and slowly but surely the alcohol tree digs its roots in and you get addicted (for want of a better word) to the person you become when intoxicated. It's not even a love of substance abuse - it's a love of the self when you're on a bender.

We've all had our moments where we're hammered, cracking jokes, people respond saying we're funny and we gobble it up and we love being "that guy". And we love the fact that when we've been "that guy" in the past, members of the opposite sex have been drawn to us (nothing to do with their own intoxicated, lowered inhibitions then!) and we score a night of ill-advised though highly enjoyable casual sex. 

Found myself making excuses at work. If someone suggested i'd had a heavy night before i would blanket it with "Sorry it was my best friends birthday..."

While not at work, if someone speculated that going out on a Sunday night wasn't a great idea i'd sprinkle a "I got a promotion at work!" on the conversation to warrent a celebration. Quite how many BEst Friends Birthdays and Promotions its possible for one man to celebrate i don't know - but i should have so many best friends and promotions now i could probably be The president of the united states of popularity.

 An interesting comment i read on one of the msg boards a moment ago made me think. It was something along the lines of...

"I really needed a drink earlier. I felt so alone. So bored."

And the reply said something like "think of how you felt when you used to drink though. Remember how bored and alone you used to feel then."

I cant emphasise how true that is!

There's usually a point about 4 or 5 pints deep where i think "my god i am so bored, i would rather be at home" or "nobody here gets me... no one understands me... im such a loser..."

I wonder if anyone else has the same borderline/skizo conversations i do with myself when i feel "the need" for a drink. 

Take yesterday for example - i'm in my flat, my two housemates have invited friends over for a BBQ on the balcony and they're pouring a punch-bowl of booze out. I sit out there with them laughing and joking about bits and pieces but all the while drinking my coffee (the last of Gods toxins - take the tea-spoon, take the milk but i am DRINKING THIS COFFEE! TAKE MY F*CKING HANDS!?)

As i'm laughing with them i'm keeping one eye on the clock as i'm due in South London in an hour but i'm now sorely tempted to blow my other friend out, stay on the balcony and have a good time still. Completely certain that i wont touch a drop of the booze, i make my way into the kitchen and go to pick up my fone to text my other fri... but i stop. 

I conciously say to myself "You're only trying to get me to blow her out so i'll stay here because there's booze here and you think that if i stay around booze then i'll have a better time and ultimately you mighy GET some booze out of the deal..."

It's like a concious voice i'm having to reason with in my head, shouting it down and putting it back in its box.

"No... we are NOT staying... we've made plans and we're sticking to them."

The result - had a wicked time with said friend in South London, came back about 1am to find them all passed out drunk (apparently since 11). We had a catch up this morning. By all accounts i didnt miss out on anything whatsoever. 

I know it sounds self riteous, inflating and conceited but it made me feel so good to know that i had made the right decision. But in that typical glass-half-empty psyche that is oh-so-common in us alchies i am left wondering....

...how would i be feeling if they'd had a really great night and i HAD missed out on something?