Journal

I just found out Monday, June 29th, that the little pimple on my labia was in fact a genital wart. I have been devastated ever since. I am 36 years old, divorced, mother of two boys, and this was the last thing I needed. I have been in a pretty deep depression ever since I found out. I love sex and I guess this is my punishment for focusing energy there. My doc gave me the cream Aldara (?) and I have been using for the last week. In my haste to get this thing off of me I tried using the Apple Cider Vinegar method I found on a homeopathic website. It burned so bad and I think by me messing around down there so much I spread it and now, aside from being sore, I think there are a couple more little ones.

I just don't know what to do from here. How long will this take to go away. I was smoking and I quit the day after I found out, this has caused me extra stress, so after being cooped up alone all weekend obsessed with googling everything I can about HPV, I bought a pack of smokes this morning. Now, on top of feeling like a disgusting human being for having the warts, I feel like a loser who can't quit smoking. The negative emotions I am feeling are probably feeding the HPV making it worse.

I was thinking I got it from this one guy I have been messing with (we had unprotected sex a couple of times) and I told him over the phone about the wart. He was okay, he didn't freak out but we don't have the kind of relationship (we're "friends") that I would expect major emotional support from. After we had unprotected sex in May, I realized I was pregnant, after miscarrying I breathed a sigh of relief and felt that everything would go back to normal. No more unprotected sex, phew! Then a week or so after the miscarriage was all done, I found what looked like a pimple, only it wasn't. I told him I thought I got it from him and he said he hadn't seen anything on his genitals. I haven't talked with him since and after researching I realize I could have had the virus for decades and it didn't become active until my immune system was low enough from the pregnancy.

I just don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to stop feeling so disgusting. I don't know how to stop crying. I don't know how to stop thinking about it. I just want to be better, so I can forget. Help. How do I go forward not hating my body and myself.