Journal

Things were starting to look up, that should have been a warning sign.

We were starting a thing in-system to get people interested in living again. It was starting to work, we were getting excited, we were doing things.

In four months, we will be homeless. Our "pseudo-foster-father" who calls us son, whose mother once told us to call her gandma, who told us to trust him and that he was "there", says we have to be out by April 1st, maybe sooner. We have nowhere to go.

We quit the Geodon after our last journal entry and have not been back to the psychiatrist. We barely see our therapist because of time/ride restrictions, bookings, etc.

We have tried twice to make ourselves go through the process of getting on disability and into section 8 housing. Our pseudo-dad mentioned above makes sure to tell us often that this makes us worthless people attempting to live off of hard-working Americans. Our mental issues (mostly the anxiety) keep us from completing the process (mostly the interviews) anyway, so I suppose it doesn't matter much.

He (the pseudo-dad) had told us a month or so ago that we had to be out by May. We broke down into a sobbing, trembling ramble of the hell we live in and why his accusations against our characters were way off-base. It was the first time we've ever stood up for ourselves so staunchly. He backed down, seeming to understand then what was really going on and promising that we'd work things out. Plans were made to set up our own room so that everyone had a more comfortable space.

 Then his mother got into a fight with his sister and now he's bringing her to live here. There isn't enough room for four people in this house, so we're out.

At least we know where we stand. It's been a fuzzy issue lately.

Our partner system's parents have already made it clear that we will not be moving in with them (again).

When all is said and done our plan right now is to save up enough money to try for Dignitas in Switzerland. After 26 years of life, the only thing we (most of us, anyway) ask for is a comfortable end to it.

The rest of us don't want to do it, but can't really offer an argument to the contrary.

There's more, but that's all I can offer right now. We'll probably be spending time on DS now. I hope we can give to other people something of what we couldn't find.

 - Chay and company

I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I can't see anything good about me or anything in my life. Everything is hell and I don't see how I'll ever be happy. I don't even know what the hell that would mean anymore.

 - Haley

Last night's side effects are deserving of a call to the doc today, I think. Though it may have been my own fault, I'm not sure.

Some of the internet research I did said to lay off "strenuous activity" after taking Geodon ... I'm not sure if last night's jaunt counts or not. On top of that - I thought the activity warning only applied to temperature regulation. It may have aggravated the nausea ... though I thought it had calmed down after I went to bed. In any case, we'll see.

It didn't knock us out this time, though. I find that interesting.

I'm going to see if I can't lie down for the next half hour before the alarm clock goes off.

 - Nathaniel