Journal

Well, this is just the first entry so it's just to get it started. Anna said something like this might help and I feel I have exhausted all other avenues. The question is ''just whose life is this that I'm living anyway?''

I hate my job. I have no friends or family apart from Anna and ashe has suffered enough from my problems so I try to hide it from her but that means I am pretending all the time - job, family and why the hell am I studying law? I don't believe I will make it to the end and will someone who has lived the type of life I have lived be able to apply for registration anyway if i do get there. I have been in mental hospitals, done drugs, etc etc and while I have no actual criminal record a little enthusiatic research would uncover my sham and reveal me for the hopeless mess that I am.

Just getting it all out here - well, a bit of it anyway and it is a soothing rhythm - this typing. Going to meet Annas auntie and cousins tomorrow - got it together for her but she doesn't want it.

I am just feeling less and less real all the time. The little girl who locked away those memories really believed that when it all came to the surface everyone would see what an injustice had been done and rally around her and love her at last. Well, what really happened was that I couldn't get a therapist to listen to me because of the false memory crap and I had to pay quack alternative ''healers'' about &700/week just to sit there and nod and tell me if I would just forgive everything would be all right and it ended up using all the money from my house that Patrick didn't take so now I have NO SECURITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Well, I tried contextless forgiveness and all it did was push the memories back down and that was not comfortable to say the least. I didn't smile for so long that when i tried it again my face hurt.

My family dumped me like a hot sack of crap and my friends began to turn away when they realised the depth of my despair and were unable ot help or even sit with me while I tried to sort out the mess. And all through this I had this beautiful child beside me and I couldn't function well enough to be a good mother so it alll just got worse and worse and worse.

Whoever said that the truth will set you free obviously didn't have a truth like mine to deal with. The truth landed me in a pit so deep and so dark that I have had to pretend to be someone else just to get the woprld to let me out.

I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY LIFE so why don't I just end it - easy!

Oh what a joy that would be to never have to wake up again but the trouble is I got pregnant after one suicide attempt and before the next one and my life was not my own anymore and even though I believe I am worthless and not much use to Anna I know intellectually that just the fact of suicide can damage not just one's children but even generations. So, I am trapped here in this hellish life with the job I despise but must do and no money or family or friends or anything to take my mind off my existance.