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Haddanuff 
At a Problem Gambling session once I was told that there's no such thing as an "addictive personality". When I asked for further clarification my mind did not grasp or remember what was said. All I kept thinking was that they just didn't understand. I knew there was something about my personality that made me want to get involved with certain activities much more frequently and longer than other people, or at least those in my life who I could measure my behavior to. Examples include:
-Jigsaw puzzles
-Word games
-Video games
-Infatuations
-Foods
-Hobbies
-Mundane chores or jobs
-Scratch tickets
-Slot machines
Now, some may argue otherwise but I know from experience that when I get involved with something I enjoy doing, something in my brain (physical) and mind (metaphysical) happens that makes it extremely difficult to pull away until I'm satisfied. I know this. It's been going on since childhood. It's more than just plain stubbornness, and less than an extreme compulsion. And it's very difficult to explain to someone who isn't challenged by it. I mean, I once called in sick to work so I could get to level 12 on Super Mario Brothers!
Ok, I'm not looking for an excuse. Reasons, maybe....but not excuses.
I bring this up now because some activities aren't all that healthy. I seem to get "addicted" to something when I can't gamble. Lately, I've been visiting political blogs. At first, I only wanted to read people's comments...then it evolved into making a few of my own. Now it's transpired into full-blown arguments. Against my better judgement I keep going back even though I know the bickering back and forth is unproductive, time-consuming and a waste of energy.
They say that once a gambler has experienced the euphoria of a big win, the brain keeps searching for that same sense of excitement, hence the compulsive gambling....always wanting and craving, always on the prowl for that next "high" and never quite satisfied until that thirst is quenched.
I know a little about conditioning and positive and negative reinforcement so I believe that's exactly what's happening and it's why I have to be diligent in replacing unhealthy thoughts with clean, healthy, productive ones. The more I delve into this illness, the more horrified I am at how I've managed to sabotage my mind and my personality. I grow weary of always living on the edge, always pushing the envelope. I'm tired of always searching and never finding, always hungry and never sated.
I just want to feel like I'm doing enough and that I have enough.
