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Haddanuff 
I spoke to a friend of mine today who said something I needed to hear. He mentioned that he never even feels the urge to do harmful things. He is respectable, reliable and dependable. I've known him for thirty years and his life has always gone in a forward moving, healthy-minded direction whereas mine has gone steadily downhill. And it's all because of the choices we've made.
Temptation has always appeared in my path like a sparkling waterfall in a hot, scorching desert. It hasn't always revolved around gambling, either. In retrospect I can see other areas of my life when I made poor decisions resulting in undesirable consequences. So, why can other people like my friend move around those obstables so easily while I stumble and fall? Is it some sort of self-sabotaging inner need for danger, excitement, to live on the edge? Haven't I always felt that I was gambling with fate? I'm not looking to blame anyone or anything else. I just want to unravel the tangled and complex mess my mind has become so that I can move forward, so that I can make healthy and good choices without feeling as though I'm missing something fun and fascinating out there.
Like erasing a chalkboard where some filmy residue remains, I will never be able to work with a clean slate, but at least I have a chalkboard to erase.
