Journal

At a Problem Gambling session once I was told that there's no such thing as an "addictive personality". When I asked for further clarification my mind did not grasp or remember what was said. All I kept thinking was that they just didn't understand. I knew there was something about my personality that made me want to get involved with certain activities much more frequently and longer than other people, or at least those in my life who I could measure my behavior to. Examples include:

-Jigsaw puzzles

-Word games

-Video games

-Infatuations

-Foods

-Hobbies

-Mundane chores or jobs

-Scratch tickets

-Slot machines

Now, some may argue otherwise but I know from experience that when I get involved with something I enjoy doing, something in my brain (physical) and mind (metaphysical) happens that makes it extremely difficult to pull away until I'm satisfied. I know this. It's been going on since childhood. It's more than just plain stubbornness, and less than an extreme compulsion. And it's very difficult to explain to someone who isn't challenged by it. I mean, I once called in sick to work so I could get to level 12 on Super Mario Brothers!

Ok, I'm not looking for an excuse. Reasons, maybe....but not excuses.

I bring this up now because some activities aren't all that healthy. I seem to get "addicted" to something when I can't gamble. Lately, I've been visiting political blogs. At first, I only wanted to read people's comments...then it evolved into making a few of my own. Now it's transpired into full-blown arguments. Against my better judgement I keep going back even though I know the bickering back and forth is unproductive, time-consuming and a waste of energy.

They say that once a gambler has experienced the euphoria of a big win, the brain keeps searching for that same sense of excitement, hence the compulsive gambling....always wanting and craving, always on the prowl for that next "high" and never quite satisfied until that thirst is quenched.

I know a little about conditioning and positive and negative reinforcement so I believe that's exactly what's happening and it's why I have to be diligent in replacing unhealthy thoughts with clean, healthy, productive ones. The more I delve into this illness, the more horrified I am at how I've managed to sabotage my mind and my personality. I grow weary of always living on the edge, always pushing the envelope. I'm tired of always searching and never finding, always hungry and never sated.

I just want to feel like I'm doing enough and that I have enough.

The definition of "desire" is:

-To feel or want strongly

-The feeling that accompanies an unsatisfied state

-Hope, expect and wish

-An inclination to want things

-Express a desire for

I know as sure as I'm sitting here punching buttons on my keyboard that at some point the desire to gamble again will rear its ugly head. When it happens how will I respond? What can I do now  to make me stronger and better able to resist the temptation? I can keep visiting this site to set (realistic) goals, write in my journal, participate in discussions, share experiences and encouragement. I can evaluate and organize my current financial situation. I can go to GA meetings and I can volunteer at the eldercare home nearby. I can go to the library to stock up on self-help books. I can call someone who understands.

They say this disease is "insidious" and I agree. 

Sometimes when I think or speak, I can't even tell the difference between the real me and the disease. Where do I end and the illness begin? At what crucial point do I start to lose the battle? Where in my train of thought is that critical line in the sand drawn? When does my resolve begin to waver? And most important of all, how do I sew those ragged seams together to form stronger, more durable fabrics of consciousness?

Desire.

I must first embrace and then constantly strive to strengthen my desire to stop gambling.

I spoke to a friend of mine today who said something I needed to hear. He mentioned that he never even feels the urge to do harmful things. He is respectable, reliable and dependable. I've known him for thirty years and his life has always gone in a forward moving, healthy-minded direction whereas mine has gone steadily downhill. And it's all because of the choices we've made.

Temptation has always appeared in my path like a sparkling waterfall in a hot, scorching desert. It hasn't always revolved around gambling, either. In retrospect I can see other areas of my life when I made poor decisions resulting in undesirable consequences. So, why can other people like my friend move around those obstables so easily while I stumble and fall? Is it some sort of self-sabotaging inner need for danger, excitement, to live on the edge? Haven't I always felt that I was gambling with fate? I'm not looking to blame anyone or anything else. I just want to unravel the tangled and complex mess my mind has become so that I can move forward, so that I can make healthy and good choices without feeling as though I'm missing something fun and fascinating out there.

Like erasing a chalkboard where some filmy residue remains, I will never be able to work with a clean slate, but at least I have a chalkboard to erase.