Journal

There are days like to day where I feel so overwhelmed at myself and what is going on around me. It is so hard being along facing decision in personal and business matters and no one to confide in. I miss the days of old, and I am not talking about my hard drinking  days.

I was married for twenty years and lost my wife in a tragic plane accident that took her life and her fathers, and to a large extent mine. That was the turning point that convered me from a social drinker to a 24/7 cant exist without it drinker. There were many times when I did not want to continue anymore and prayed that God would take me. Like always some prayers are not answered for a reason.

Im no longer sitting on the pity pot, nor am I looking for this journey to end. I just have trouble with relaxing at days end and putting my mind at ease. My business is hanging on by a needle and needs help in growing but I havent found the help to take it to the next level. I end up trying to do it all myself.

I dont know how to date or where to even go to try. I pray everyday for God to put someone in my life, but maybe that is not meant to be either. I miss the companionship and conversations. I miss the second opinion. I miss being loved. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel it just seems to be so long.

These are just my thoughts and ramblings for the day. May God bless anyone that happens to read this and remember but for the grace of God go I.

Where to begin. My ex, God Bless Her, has such a way of taking the wind out of my sails. She can be so hurtful and vendictive that it tests every inch of my sanity. I understand she has been thru hell and back with my drinking, but after almost two years of sobriety she still finds it necessary to put me down again and again. Thankfully I remember that is why I left.

I just struggle with this because God blessed me with a two year old Angel. She is the most important thing in my life. As long as I keep thinking of that I can try and put her mom's hurtful words aside. Some wounds just never seem to heal.