Journal

I wish i could close my eyes and have everything disappear. I fucking hate this. I have no stability. The only thing that is predictable is that my life and my moods are unpredictable. I don't want this anymore. It's so fucking hard. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'll be moving out of my house soon and getting the money back. Having that money again is like having my dad looking over my shoulder. I know that he's dead and he can;t say what i should or shouldn't spend it on. He killed himself so he gets no say, even though it was his money. If he didn't do it i wouldn't be in this fucking impossible situation.

I hate my life, i hate everyone and i hate everything. I've gone back to cutting, i wanted to do it this afternoon but didn't. I'm not even looking for solutions or help anymore. I just don't give a shit. Everyday i am wading through thoughts of suicide. It's scary cos i am starting to think of many possible ways. I only really want to overdose, i want to go to sleep and not feel pain. I've been thinking about going out to Piha beach and drowning myself. I could go out there at night and walk into the sea and swim out until i get tired and let the sea do the rest. So many people die there anyway cos of the rips, i don't think it'd take long.

I'm seeing the psych at the hospital next week on wed, i'm gonna tell them that i want to die. See what they say. I want new medication, the shit i'm on now isn't working. My step sis' engagement party is next friday night and i don't want to go. I'm already having a panick attack just thinking about going. I fucking hate being like this.