adriannaM's Journal

It's no secret that i have a problem trying to sleep, it has been that way for 5 years now, and i can't remember a day when i had "normal" sleeping patterns, or could sleep sound through the night without the aid of a medicine. 

well, last night i fell asleep, probably sometime around 3 30am. (remember that i have to work today from 9am-3pm, so i was trying to get just a small amount of sleep). well, i was thinking about my little sister a lot. probably because the other day i saw the movie "my sisters keeper". oh man, that was nearly the most sad movie, i have ever ever seen. i cried, from start to end. i am thinking i cried a lot, because i thought of the fears that i have with my little sister a lot during that movie. anyhow, last night i had a dream that i was driving down a country road, and i had my neice, and my little sister in the car with me. well, a truck came through an intersection, and smashed the car. my little sister is currently on 4liters of concentrated oxygen right now, because she has some shunting going on in her lungs, and she can't walk anymore than 20 feet, if that, without needing her oxygen. well, anyhow, in my dream, i think she got killed. i was just screaming "SOMEONE GET HER HER TUBES" and for some reason that was the very most important thing in my mind at that point. and i just felt like NOONE would hear me out, and no one was doing anything to help. Anyways, needless to say, i woke up, balling my eyes out. and then, of course i could not sleep. i slept 10 min here, 15 min there, but i just kept having fucked up dreams, so i guess my body told me to stay away so i didn't have to deal with that shit. man, i really don't know. 

also, my brother had 17 months clean. he came to me 17 mon ago, and he had crashed his car, he didnt remember where or how he did it, he was using cocaine, taking pills, and ofcourse "just pot". but he decided 17 mon ago that he could not live the way he was, anymore. and i mean, before that, we had never really been close. the way he lived scared me, and i distanced myself. well, he currently relapsed, and got kicked out of our home. he just got a settlement for 3500 dollars, and i am really worried about him. i had some dreams about him last night too. my sister found some small blue pills in his room, i looked up pictures of xanax, and she looked and said that they were more round than the xanax looked, and they were really small. well, idk, im not sure what they were. it just really really sucks. MY BROTHER, my  brother, he's gone, while he's using, he is not the best friend, that i have gotten so close to this past 17 mon. it kills me.

i guess, thats life though. i am going to get to work.