Journal

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born, that something stopped my heart,

I felt each tender squeeze you gave, I loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold, it doesn’t mean I’m gone,

This world was worthy not of me, God chose that I move on,

I know the pain that drowns your soul, what you are forced to face,

You have my word, I’ll fill your arms, someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was “meant to be, God doesn’t make mistakes”

But that won’t soften your worst blow or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do, another child you’ll bear,

Believe me when I say to you, that I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you, when you will hold my hand,

Stroke my face and kiss my lips and then you’ll understand.

Although I never breathed your air, or gazed into your eyes,

That doesn’t mean I never “was”…An Angel Never Dies.

I view the man my mother married as a completely shallow douche bag. I cannot stand the man. However I do remain polite, only because he is married to my mom. I do not respect my mother's decision for staying in the marriage, after she found out Tim, my step-dad, cheated on her for seven out of the eight years of their marriage, but she is my mom and I love her.

Anyway, back to why I am posting this, mostly just to vent. My step-father is all about image. Everything is about image to him. He cannot stand my boyfriend, because Joe does not attend church regulary and because he smokes. And that is just a horrible boyfriend for the daughter of a church elder to have. Whatever. I went off topic again. Damn.

Okay, so the past couple days, whenever Tim gets the chance he will turn my great mood into a horrible one. This past Sunday, for some unknown reason my mom and I got into a conversation involving names for babies. I told her I am going to name my child either Anthony Ryan or Halie Rose...you know, when the time is right and I am able to have my own child. Tim stopped our conversation looked at me and said "I doubt you will even be able to carry Sami. You miscarried one already. I am pretty sure that means you aren't built to have kids. Shame."

My mouth dropped open, I looked from him to my mother and back again. When no one said a word, I walked away and basically kept myself in my room for the rest of the day reading.

Tonight, when I came home from my boyfriend's house, I was talking to my mom about Conner, Joe's nephew, who I adore. I was telling my mom about how Conner and I played with a balloon for a little and then I ended up holding him while Joe and I were watching the storm outside. I was smiling so much while speaking of my all time favorite two year old. Tim once again interrupted my conversation and asked "Why are you so attached to Conner? What is your fascination with him? Is it because you lost your own child, so you have to attach to someone's else? Or is it because you will never have one of your own?"

I cannot stand the man, and this last week he has been making it worse...

I am now an employee of Sports Authority. I was hired on the spot, I was so excited when I walked out of there I called my mom and told her.

While mom and I were on the phone, another company I had an interview with called me and said they were interested in hiring me. It took me not even thirty seconds to decide where I wanted to work, since the other place was a pet store, which was extremely quiet. When it is quiet for too long I become nervous...ha, rambled.

Anyway, I am offically done lokking for a new job.

Plus the great thing is that they are only giving me the evenings on Tuesday and Thursdays, so my hours are not limited due to school. I also get to keep working for my mom as of right now.

I am so excited for my orientation on Thursday

=]