Journal

I am working on the feelings and insecurities that I have about my job and the relationship that I have with my co workers. That's what I'm working on today, anyway. I am a very hard worker and I am sometimes the kind of person who will just stand up for myself, without thought, sometimes. I believe that sometimes when a person is trying to help, I feel like they are trying to take my work away from me. I have had a girl named heather actually take the work away from me. This makes me mad, and I really want to say, back up bitch, you don't know who your messing with. I cant say anything like that at work, because I'll get in trouble. So, I kinda internalize the anger I feel, and keep going. This one paticuler girl, and her friends, are pretty mean, and I don't understand why. I guess I spent too much time trying to be friends with those people, instead of thinking about how I just needed to stay away from them.  That was hard to do, because they work in my deopartment.

 I had a guy who was typically nice to me, start to look in my direction with a pissed off look on his face. And I felt alone, when he did that. I was also very overworked, so basically I'm like....fuck you, walmart....kiss my ass walmart...what the hell are you trying to make me do? work until I die??? The last day I worked, I was so overloaded with work, that I almost passed out. They did that to me, two weekends in a row, and Nobody else in the department stopped to help me. I would look up from what I was doing, and I would see a guy who reqally could of helped, just standing there, watching me work.This kind of thing happens all the time. I'm tired of telling the bosses that nobody helps. They leave.I mean, my department manager has even seen it for herself. Instead of telling them to work, she just took their duties away from them, and gave 'em to me. Yeah, I've had enough of those assholes....they can kiss my ass....fuck 'em all!!! Just venting, but it feels good.

I have'nt been on in awhile. I've been very busy and I've also been having flashbacks. I'm trying to take a leave of absence from work, so that I can focus on the new flashbacks that I am having. I'm having female problems, the doctor thinks I need hormone therapy. Lot's of problems surrounding that,but more importantly, I'm having alot of flashbacks. Most of them started when I was at my nieces house and the oldest niece...the one whom I fought....she's talking to me, now and opening up about alot of her mental problems.....well, her boyfriend and herself and my younger neice's boyfriend were standing outside and I suddenly smelled weed smoke. I was raped while smoking a blunt that was laced with something, and It was the first time I smelled weed since that day. I started gagging and getting sick, and after I went home I started having an onset of flashbacks. That was on labor day, I'm still having lot's of flashbacks. they had started to dwindle, but last night my husband was looking at a blog entry that his boss had made about believing in zombies, his boss is part of somekind of paranormal group, or something. The sentence about zombies reminded me of my dad watching zombie movies when i was a kid, there was another sentence about the end of the world that set me off, too. I've had alot of paranoia and fear about the end of the world due to my mom and her church preaching that crap to me. I am not paranoid about it, now, i just had some flashbacks of the times that I was paranoid and the times that I heard all that

shit. Not alot of those, 'cause I've worked on that quit a bit. I think that I really need to focus on the zombie movie flashbacks. I was really scared ofhorror movies when i was  a kid and my brothers and my dad would make fun of me and call me names, because i was afraid of them. I did'nt want to watch them. The first really scarey horror movie that gave in and watched was hellraiser part 1. I would gag and almost puke at the opening scene. It was disgusting to me having to watch the body parts and organs, of the really gross bloody guy , reforming on his body. I hate voilence and gore, and i hated it then. My brothers and my dad really made a commotion about how I was gagging over that movie. I would get upset about all the belittlement that I was getting,And I would go to my room and stare at the square patterns on the carpet, thinking about how horrible life was, and how my best friend malisha was,nt there for me to talk to. I remember calling her on the phone a few times, and while i was staring at the wierd carpet patterns, tracing them with my eyes over and over, I think that i had called malisha and told her about it. She was alot older then me, I was 11 and she was 15, so i felt like she was wiser and smarter then me. I guess she was because 15 is big diffence then 11. Anyway, she told me to just keep trying to watch it, until I got used to seeing it, and it would stop being so scary to me. So i went in there nad watched that movie by myself, without my family abusing me. i finally got through the whole thing and I watched it again with my dad. They had that movie on all the time. He was giving me praises for watching that movie. He said that he jkust knew I was gonna turn out to be a little pussy, and he see that I was pretty tough. I watched all the hell raiser movies with them, and basically hated them all. They scared the shit out of me. I watched all the freddy movies and alot of the Friday the 13th movies. but Now that I'm grown, i cannot watch those movies anymore, or read horror stories, because of the fear that i feel when I'm watching them. But mostly it's the memories that i have when I'm watching those movies. Or when I used to watch those movies, is more accurate. I think alot of the truama that is involed in the flashbacks is that during the time that I overcame my fear of horror movies, I had developed breasts. My body was changing and i think thats  when my dad had started having actual sex with me. My oldest brother was married by then, and he also was trying to have sex with me. I think I actually let a few times, I think I let him once or twice and then started going into a depression. I told him no, and no and no. he finally stopped, but my dad did'nt. My dad just kept on going and I was in a deep, deep depression.I also starved alot in those days and that was aprt of my depression. Sometimes all we had to eat was pears, picked from a tree by some friend of the person we lived with, we had gotten kicked out of our house again and were living with some friends. the man turned out to be a wifebeater and he was having fits alot, because my dad was'nt working or even trying to work.

I did just remember after rereading some of this, that my brother noticed my depression and stopped trying to have sex with me. We actually talked about it, andI remember telling him that I did not want to have sex with him because he was my brother and that was messed up. Brothers and sisters are not supposed to have sex....I did not even want to think asbout sex, with anybody at all, because i was too young and especially not with him, becuase he was my brother and that was just gross. I told him that I felt gross. I also remember that during this time period my dad had started to ejacualate inside of me, and I felt so sick afterwartds. Sick....My friend that I was living with had some strawberry douches and I was using them quit a bit, because I was trying to clean out all filth that I had inside of me. She noticed that they were missing and started to gripe and complain at me for using her douches. i could'nt tell her that I wasusing them because my damn family members kept fucking me, and it made me feel disgusting having that shit inside my body, I just wanted to get it out of me.. Alright, I'm almost done.....This was a few months before we moved into some low income apartments, I was growing and this was turning point in my life when Iwas beginning to say no. I do remember telling my dad that he was my dad and I did'nt want to have sex with him. He did not stop. He said that he loved me more then a daughter and I WAS his daughter and wanted to have sex with me now that I was getting boobs or titties whatever word he used. He said he hasd been waiting a long time to get to do it, and I was ready now..........I can't keep writing about this, I gotta stop......